The Implications of Denial -

By my boy...

I used to consider myself good at sex.

I relished all the sensations of lovemaking and was able to pretty much hold off my orgasm as long as I wanted. Thrusting deep. Hard. Fast. Long. I considered myself a 'long stayer' and loved knowing that I could fully satisfy my partner for as long and intensely as she wanted.

Not anymore.

Mistress Keyholder has changed all that.

Can you imagine what 18 months of enforced chastity might do to you - usually months between orgasms; weeks between even being able to have an erection; most of the time receiving no stimulation whatsoever? There is no milking, no relief.  Mistress Keyholder does not like any form of male emission.

After so much denial every touch becomes electric.  Any stimulation whatsoever has turned into an overpowering wave that immediately takes me to the edge of orgasm.

I have reached the stage where I cannot even push cocklet into Mistress Keyholder.  If I allowed him to thrust into her, he would instantly explode. Trying to make love, I have to very carefully edge and inch myself into her. The slightest move from her, or even a whisper in my ear, is enough to make me urgently pull out, panting to try and hold back the forbidden orgasm.  And Mistress Keyholder is the most sensual woman I ever met.  She loves to wriggle and writhe and squeeze and thrust.  She demands that I fuck her.

I have reached the stage now where I cannot fuck my Mistress.  The best I can manage, after much patience and holding back from her, is two or three strokes before I have to stop.  

Mistress Keyholder has turned my cock into her very own cocklet.  His new name is very apt - he's like a real cock but totally useless.  She has made me what I would consider a pathetic man, unable to satisfy, a premature ejaculator.  Mistress agrees when I ask if she thinks of me as pathetic.  She says that I am. And she never lies. Though Mistress Keyholder points out.... she loves a pathetic man.

It is extremely frustrating.  I constantly crave stimulation, for cocklet to be touched and played with.  But I have now reached the place where I can't even take that stimulation.  Even when cocklet is free, he is unable to enjoy his freedom but merely has a taste of what he desires before being unable to continue.  Just enough to tease and tantalise, to make him truly, truly desperate.

The ache never ever goes away.  There is no relief.  And because of this, it is getting harder.

Mistress Keyholder is very charitable.

She says cocklet is not useless, but achieves the purpose that she most desires from him - chastity, denial, my suffering and frustration.  He does that very well.  It speaks volumes about her need for chastity, that she is prepared to sacrifice proper lovemaking in order to satisfy that need.

I know that cocklet is not enough for her on his own.

I know that whilst she loves him, loves my denial, she also craves a proper cock.

I know she desires a cock that she can lick and suck and that will make her moan with lust as it thrusts deep into her.  A man's cock.

I find the knowledge that cocklet can never be enough for her, that she has turned him into an ornament, to be extremely embarrassing.  I find her craving for another man's cock to be hurtful and humiliating.  I know that if she finds him, it will mean even greater denial for cocklet and a likely restriction of the privileges to her that I have so far enjoyed.

My need to submit to her, to worship her and to please her has never been greater.

I hope she finds that man. I will do everything I can to help her and to ensure she is completely fulfilled.

I am Mistress Keyholder's adoring slave, her dog.

Update - by my boy

Mistress has been extremely busy both with work and personal life in the last few months, meaning no time for updates here.  That's not to say that we haven't both been very active together...

I am still locked in chastity.  My keys are permanently held by Mistress Keyholder and I only ever come out of the cage at her whim.  I can't cheat or pull out because I have a prince albert piercing, which has a padlock securing my cock inside the tube of the cage.   My orgasms are infrequent and my Christmas present to her was a year with no orgasm.

Less than halfway through the year though.... and I must report I have had two orgasms.  Hard core chastity fanatics might feel let down at that, however shouldn't be.  Mistress Keyholder is as hard core as you can get and these orgasms were in fact HER choice,  not mine.  The year gift just gave her the freedom to make choices without any pressure from me.

I was all set and determined to last the year for Mistress Keyholder.  I had put the thought of orgasm out of my mind.  Well, as far as you can get when your cock is constantly teased and you are faced time and again with your Owner having orgasm after orgasm in front of you.  Her orgasms caused in fact by your denial.  I was going slowly mad with it, frustrated, desperate and without hope. But then Mistress decided it was time for an orgasm.  We discussed it carefully.  She explained to me that she wasn't throwing my gift back at me, but that the gift merely removed the pressure from her.  She wanted me to have an orgasm.  We discussed it and she planned it to be as frustrating as possible.  It turned out to be one of the most loving, intimate and frustrating experiences I have ever had. Laid naked next to Mistress, her hand on cock.  Suckling, her nipple pushed into my mouth and her breast pushed against my face.  Her soft skin touching me.  Mistress's hand touching my cock.   Lightly.So very, very lightly.Slowly she stroked.  Not urging me towards orgasm at all.  Just slowly slowly slowly teasing cock.  It had been so long since my last orgasm, I was SO desperate.  Yet Mistress managed to drag it out for what seemed an age, just torturing cock with the gentlest of touches.  Each time I became worked up, Mistress just shushed me back down.  Telling me to be quiet.  A good boy.  Just to relax and take it.  Sucking softly on her nipple. When the rush overcame me, she did not speed up her pace.  She kept the touch light and gentle, dragging out the orgasm into a quiet and soft rush that took me over and was gradually forced from me, rather than being allowed to arch my back and explode it out with an assertive thrust.  I felt so close to her, so denied even during my orgasm.  So intimate, loving.   The most frustrating, yet amazing experience ever. It was 5 months and 3 days since my last orgasm.  Not quite a year, but the longest I have ever been. I'm going to try and do some more blog entries on behalf of Mistress in the next week or so.  There is lots to tell - Mistress giving me her nasty, nettles, purposeful jealousy with 'special feelings' and a gradual increase in my overall denial despite the orgasms...  I might even mention teamviewer, cubby holes and other ideas floating round our heads. Nothing has changed - I am still in love with my Queen.  Only deeper and deeper all the time.  She is the yin to my yan and I am so grateful that she chose me to be her chastity slave. I am Mistress Keyholder's lucky boy.  

Misbehaviour - Written by my boy.

Life constantly presents us with conflict and differences of opinion.  How do you deal with that when you are in a Domme/sub relationship?  It's very easy to say, 'just submit' - do what you're supposed to do.  But what about when you feel very strongly that you are being wronged?

I am doing my very best to be the perfect slave for my Goddess.  However I am currently less than perfect.  Recently, I had such a conflict with Mistress Keyholder. 

It ended when I collected her after she had had a night out and we returned to my house.

Mistress was dressed immaculately, the vision of loveliness in her dress, sheer tights and high heels.  The new sparkly shoes that she was so pleased with.

She pulled down my trousers partway, exposing cock in his cage. Already swollen in her presence.  She held him and leaned in close to me. Her perfume alluring, her nearness making my heart race.

"Would you like me to let him out?" she murmured as her fingers played with the steel cage.

"Would you like me to play with him?"

"Yes please Mistress!!!" my excitement was obvious.

"Oh please, please, please!!!"

Her face suddenly changed though and her voice took on a stern tone.

"If you think I will let cock out after your behaviour, you really don't know me at all."

She then pulled me to the floor. Laid me on my back.  Stood over me.

I was laid there, half undressed and feeling rather pathetic, whilst she stood looking down at me.

She had on her face a look of utter disdain.  She was the vision of beauty and elegance and just looked at me like I was a worm.

Back when I was free to masturbate (and did so all the time) years ago I used to look at a site which featured beautiful dominatrixes looking down at the camera.

Mistress Keyholder looked exactly like they did.  With one exception.  This was real life.  Mistress Keyholder is REAL, not a fantasy.
 

She took her spangly shoe covered foot and placed it on my balls. Pressed on them.  Then began to tap cock in his cage.  Lightly tapping on him with her shoe.  Kicking him from side to side.  Standing on me.  Pressing her heels into my skin.

Standing over my head I could see up her dress as she scraped her shoe along my chest.  The sheerness of her tights. The darkness where they met her knickers and I could not quite see.

Lecturing me in a stern tone she resumed kicking cock. Her cock, locked away in his steel cage.  Berating me for my behaviour.  Making me feel pathetic, unworthy and humiliated.

Standing over my face yet again she suddenly sat down.  Resting all her weight onto my face so my nose was pressed deep into her bottom.  Rubbing herself across me so the scent of her pussy deliciously filled my lungs.

Preventing me from breathing properly, pushing down with her bottom.

She then lifted herself slightly to allow me to speak...

'Who is your Queen?'

'You are!'

'Who is your Goddess?'

'YOU!'

Then, my nose painfully squashed, so close to the part of her that I wanted desperately to touch.

'You will learn... you are NEVER right.  You will never be allowed to be right.'

She stood up and just stood there, looking down at me.  I couldn't meet her gaze and looked away... eyes travelling down her body as she lifted up her dress.  Pulled her tights out just a little and slid her fingers beneath them.  

Looking down at me, still laying pathetically on the floor, she began to masturbate.  I wanted to see. Wanted to touch her.  I needed to.  But couldn't really see anything other than her finger moving.  And of course hear her.  From the sounds her finger made, Mistress was very wet.

I watched her pleasuring herself, not daring to ask to look or to touch.  I watched her, desperately needy, feeling debased and lowered.  She continued until she began to mewl with little gasping noises.  Her finger faster and faster, her impending orgasm displayed in her every mouth and  breath.

And then she stopped.  

Placed my phone on my chest and walked out of the room without a word, just leaving me there on the floor.

Moments later I heard my front door bang and Mistress Keyholder was gone.

His gift...

Written by my boy..

Today [1.1.2014] was our first anniversary.  One year since I contacted Mistress Keyholder. I put such care into that first email. I was certain, solely from reading her blog, that she was perfect for me.  I saw myself in her writing, her words called to me, appeared to describe me.  

I believed that Mistress Keyholder would get hundreds of emails and so I tried find a way to attract her attention.  I decided to write an email every day for a month and to spend that month in self enforced chastity in honour of her.  I knew I wasn't her type - too old and too normal for a start.  I did not expect to hear from her for some time, if ever.  But I knew I had to try.  She was the lady of my dreams, the one I truly wanted to serve.

Imagine my surprise when she responded to me the very next day.  

Imagine the way my heart leapt when she told me that my email had made her put her head in her hands, emotional at having finally found a kindred spirit...

I kept up my self enforced chastity.  Three weeks later we met for the first time. I begged her to take my key.  She did so and has held it ever since.  What a wonderful year we have had.  I have finally found my soulmate.

Today Mistress took away my finances. 

My only means to access money now is if she chooses to give it to me.  She will spend the money in my bank account as she sees fit.  I have no way to wrest control back from her without ringing the bank.  That would be a very difficult conversation, bearing in mind the level of access she now has.

I could not do this unless I trusted Mistress Keyholder 100%.  She has in fact been able to access my account now for some time and has not abused it (yet). I know she will ensure there is enough to pay my bills and that she will allow me what I need to live on.  An amount she will choose.  What she does with the rest, I have no say in.  The knowledge of her level of ownership over me now is very scary.  My tummy is filled with butterflies.  She has taken us to a different level, where I am truly, truly her slave.

To mark our anniversary I gave Mistress a gift.  She had put a lot of effort into one for me too, but something went wrong and it wasn't ready.  I can't wait until it is ready - a gift from Mistress Keyholder - can you imagine?!  I don't know what it is but am excited just because it's something from my Goddess.

In 2013 I had six orgasms.  Mistress allowed five of them and one was an accidental emission, that just drooled out of the end of cock and dripped onto the bed.  She is always saying how she hates orgasms (that's the male orgasm, she LOVES her own and has plenty of them!). She dreads me having mine because she says I am a much nicer boy when I am desperate.  She needs and feeds on my frustration.

Yesterday I reminded her it was three months today since my last orgasm.  She went a little quiet and explained she didn't want to think about it - the longer I went without, the closer my next one would be.

So my anniversary gift - have you guessed?  

I wanted to give Mistress Keyholder something she would truly enjoy and treasure.

I gave her the most expensive gift I have ever given.  Not in monetary terms,  but in terms of the suffering it will extract from me.

I was not ready to give such a gift. That made it all the more fitting - because it was more of a sacrifice, a deeper submission.

It has been three months since my last orgasm.  I still have not had one.

Yet I begged Mistress Keyholder to accept my gift - of not allowing a single orgasm during the year of 2014.

She accepted

My Goddess - thank you.  I love you with all of my heart and beg you never, ever to release me.

Your adoring boy and number one fan. xxx

Breath Play...

My boy wrote this entry some months ago now..

 

The week after my orgasm, Mistress Keyholder came to visit me again.  She wanted to play with a piece of equipment I have owned for some time, but never really used.

It consists of a rubber anaesthetic mask with a tube leading to a rubber bladder.  There is a valve on the tube which can be opened or closed to let in air.  When the valve is closed it creates a sealed unit between the mask, tube and rubber bladder.  The only air that can be breathed is the air in the rubber bladder, through the tube.  The longer the valve is kept closed, the less oxygen there is left in this air as it is taken in and out and in and out  between the lungs and the rubber bladder.

This is what's called a rebreather.

Mistress had me attach the mask over my face and lay on my bed.  Naked except for my cock cage, which she did not remove.  Mistress lay next to me, fully clothed.

At first the valve was open and though my every breath was filled with rubber, I had clean air to sustain me.  Mistress stroked my naked body, vulnerable to her touch.

Then she closed the valve.

Instantly the rubber bladder began to inflate and deflate to the rhythm of my breathing.  Every breath I took was from air inside the bladder. Air that I had breathed already.

Meanwhile Mistress lay beside me, watching.

Her hand on my caged cock.

I felt like a fly, trapped and being examined, inspected by the spider.

(Before I go on I must add that I am aware that breath play can be dangerous, as is Mistress Keyholder.  There are a number of deaths caused by it in the UK every year, although most of those deaths are caused by auto asphyxia - when someone plays alone and there is no-one to rescue them if they pass out.  Nevertheless there are risks involved and we are both aware.)

Mistress had me hold a timer whilst I was trapped in the rebreather.

She wanted to see how long it was before I struggled.

It took about a minute before I was finding it really difficult.

My breath becoming faster and faster, yet receiving no sustenance from the oxygenless air passing into my lungs.

At 1 minute 30 seconds I couldn't take any more and she opened the valve.

I was literally gasping for breath.

She did this again and again.  Whilst playing with the cage.  Telling me to imagine what it would be like to have cock free at that moment.  Oh god how I wanted that!  She wanted me to go longer, but it was so hard.  Stroking my head, stroking my belly, telling me what a good boy I was... 

It became progressively more difficult as each time I didn't get quite long enough before she closed the valve again.

And then....

She made it really hard.

I had not fully recovered before she closed the valve.  I was not ready.  But suddenly was plunged into breathing my own breath again.  A minute into it I began to panic.  My chest was rising and falling, air was going into and out of my lungs, but I just couldn't breathe.  I was panicking.  In truth I was not tied up - I could have taken the mask off at any point, but that felt like something I had no choice about.

So I panicked.

Mistress Keyholder soothed me.

Shushed me.

She did not release me.

She did not show pity.

Instead stroked my head and told me to be calm.

To take it for her.

And I did.

She calmed me down and allowed me to submit to it completely.

My vision clouded, lightheaded, all that existed was Mistress Keyholder.  Softly submitting to my owner.

The feelings... killing me softly... makes me feel like I felt when I first heard this song as a boy.  Willingly submitting to her quietly killing me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NeHAy-Btw0

Luckily Mistress didn't kill me.  She released me and held me quietly, letting me recover as my chest heaved.  Guiding my fingers between her legs she showed me just what taking such control over me had done to her. She told me that at some point she was going to do it to me whilst I was tied up and truly helpless.  She warned me though, that she thought she would REALLY scare me when she did that. Such was her desire and thoughts in her head...

Once I had sufficiently recovered, Mistress needing satisfying after her intense arousal... ............

 

Mistress Keyholder's Boy - Introducing himself..

Hello dear reader. I am Mistress Keyholder's boy.

If you have followed Mistress Keyholder's blog you will probably have a picture of her ideal boy. You might picture me in my twenties or early thirties. Slim, long, dark hair, kind of goth looking. Perhaps with pale skin. Dressed all in black. Perhaps I have some piercings or tattoos that are prominent. Certainly there would be something different about me.

I think that fairly describes Mistress Keyholder's ideal boy (though of course she might correct me!).

But it does not describe me. Not in the slightest. I am far removed from her ideal vision of a man.

I am almost the same age as Mistress Keyholder.

Tall, medium build with short, tidy hair.

I have no tattoos (yet) and only one piercing, which was done specifically so that I could be securely locked in chastity.

I have a professional, conservative job and to the outside world that is exactly how I appear. Conservative. Ordinary.

At least... in terms of the way I look.

Also, I am not an experienced slave. Perhaps like many reading this blog, I have been involved with vanilla relationships, feeling I would always be unfulfilled and unable to express this side of me - which is sad because it really is a fundamental part of me.

So how do I come to be Mistress Keyholder's boy when I am so far from her ideal?

Chastity, or something akin to it, has been with me all my life. My first ever sexual fantasies as a boy involved me teasing myself in a frustrating way and imagining it was being done by a lady who owned me. I was a slave, being toyed with for her amusement. These were genuinely my first fantasies from the age of about 10. I thought initially that everyone had the same kind of thoughts. I really believed that all boys would want such a thing.

I learned about teasing and denial later in life and then eventually found about chastity devices. Domination is something I have always craved, sometimes sought out, though many times have tried to bury my craving from a belief I would never genuinely find it. Chastity and denial have always been the cornerstone of that craving.

My knowledge of Mistress Keyholder started with me being a fan of her blog.

I read it first some years ago. She was (IS) like an unattainable Goddess. Extreme in her views, frightening. Frightening even more by the amount I was attracted. However I did nothing more than read (and I admit, masturbate).

Perhaps like many people reading this now I was in exactly your position. Only able to fantasise about what I really wanted, think about what it would really be like to serve and worship such a Goddess. Be jealous of those people who could live such a life. Masturbate to the idea of not being able to masturbate. How silly that sounds when I write it! But I did. I masturbated a lot - too much.

I read her blog again more recently when I found myself newly single again.

The more I read, the more I realised she was my ideal.

I had to contact her. But when I did, I HAD to get it right. She was so important.

I realised that she would likely dismiss me instantly just because of the way I looked. However I planned to give my best effort because maybe, just maybe, she might just be interested. I actually thought about contacting her for quite some time before I did - for a month or two I planned and thought about how best to approach her. How I could gain her attention. How I could convince her that I was genuine.

I won't say exactly what I did in case she gets deluged with a load of emails as a result, but in the end I did write to her. I laid my heart on my sleeve in that first email. I didn't expect a reply - not straight away, maybe not ever. But amazingly, she wrote back to me the very next day. She sent the most lovely reply.

And so began a dialogue that ended up with me meeting her.

And then progressed to her taking my keys.

And then to making my chastity more secure.

And eventually.... to me falling in love with her.

Until now I am in a position where I am actually very securely locked away - I cannot remove the device without considerable effort, causing damage to it and probably to myself too.

I will say more about that in another post, but for now I hope that was at least a little interesting as an introduction - I would also like to write about how our relationship is developing, about some of the practical issues with chastity and the journey we have taken to find a secure and comfortable solution. I will save that for a later post, providing Mistress approves of course.

Thank you for reading.

Mistress Keyholder's adoring boy.

Her cock, responding to Her love letter...

I love you for keeping me locked up,

I love your strength, your lack of mercy.  

I love your kindness, disguised to the uninitiated as cruelty.

I love how you devour me, your intensity, the way you intimidate me.

I love the feeling of helplessness, hopeless knowledge I will never again know unrestrained satisfaction.

The certain knowledge it will always be frustrating, it will always be suffering for your pleasure.

I love how I wake in the night and cannot sleep for hard steel, filling the cage,

mind engulfed with thoughts of you.

I love the knowledge that I will never again need to search. That I am home.

I loved the important message you gave me on Monday, the emotion that filled me in my ecstasy.

Such emotion.

I love 63 days.  I love your number, whatever it may be.

I love that I WANT to wank - right now especially, and all the time.

I love that I cannot.  No matter how I may plead and there truly is no escape.

I love how you make me cry. 

I love the tears of joy that roll down my face as I read your love letter, as I write this.

Most of all Mistress, most of all, I am completely and utterly in love with you.

Your adoring boy. xxx

 

     

Mistress KeyHolder is... by her boy

Who is Mistress Keyholder?

Mistress Keyholder has graciously given me permission to write on her blog.  I am her new boy.

I don't take this honour lightly as I know how important this blog is to her.  It is just as important to me.  It is the vehicle by which I first knew her, my insight into her thoughts and feelings.  

I see it as a great privilege.   I am reassured by the fact that she will vet any entries before they go on so I can't mess it up or embarrass her.

You may want to know about me, Mistress Keyholder's boy.  But first I imagine that most people reading this will want to know really...

Who is Mistress Keyholder?

Is she really as she portrays herself here?  Is she real?  What is she truly like? 

In reality she sounds too good to be true doesn't she.

But firstly let me assure you.  She IS true.  There is no-one truer than Mistress Keyholder.

She displays a level of integrity you will never find matched.  She does not lie.  No matter how much the truth may hurt.  If she says something, it is true.  She has never ever let me down in this respect.  

There is only one thing she has ever told me that was not true...

Before we first met she warned me, 'I'm just ordinary. Nothing special. Don't be disappointed.'

She wasn't lying.  That was the truth as she saw it.  But certainly not as I did.

Fairly tall for a lady, slim, with long dark hair, she has a quiet and unassuming manner that might slip by, not unnoticed, but without fanfare.   Look properly though, notice her as she passes you, take a moment to study.

You will see, not ordinary, but beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  

Of course I would say that, I can almost hear you cry.  It's my job to.  

But I would say it regardless.  It is merely a statement of fact.

Mistress Keyholder is beautiful.

Such delicate features, dainty.  Soft, soft skin.  A perfect figure, feminine curves contrasting her lithe features.  Lips that were just made for kissing.  Her brown eyes, deep wells which will devour you should you dare to fall in.

Take away any thoughts of chastity or dominance and look at Mistress Keyholder.  On looks alone you will see a beautiful woman and you will desire her.

Of course, there is more, much more.

Her interest in chastity cannot be doubted for an instant.  You have read it on her blog. You have felt it in her words.  

In real life, I notice the flush of her cheeks when she sees that steel cage locking my cock.  Hear her breathing quicken as she strokes the encasing metal.  Her excitement is the most frightening thing.  Her excitement is the guarantee of continued and enforced chastity.

When she whispers in my ear, 'There is no orgasm for you today'... I am overwhelmed by that hopelessness... that knowledge of my own suffering directly causing her pleasure.

Mistress Keyholder does not shout.  She does not raise her voice.  She is calm, measured and quiet.  However there is never any doubt about who is in control. 

There is no doubt that I am being used as a vessel to fulfil her needs.  Emotions toyed with, cock made to suffer, all for her pleasure.  

She said to me recently, 'I am very calculating. I do nothing on a whim'.

This is so very true.

But she is not cruel.  She is kind.  She is merciless yes, but this (she has taught me) is a kindness.  

How many women can offer such a kindness as long term, enforced chastity, with no account taken of any plea for escape?

How many women have that strength, that control?

How many women truly enjoy the suffering as she does?

Just one.

Mistress Keyholder.

She makes me suffer, but in doing so she shows her care.  Mistress Keyholder is tender, she is sensual. Her touch is relentless, teasing and frustration that will drive you quietly insane.  Her kiss is something you would never forget if you lived to be a thousand years old.  It is something you would always crave, as I do.

Who is Mistress Keyholder?

Quite simply, she is a Goddess.

All these things are true about her, difficult to believe she could step right out of my dreams and into real life, but nevertheless true.  I love her and I want to shout it from the rooftops.  I AM the luckiest boy in the world.

His Hopelessness..

I want to share something with you...

I want to share the hopelessness of my new boy with you..

He has only had 2 orgasms this year, and he is, at times feeling the overpowering helplessness is scaring him, as indeed it would anyone.

But I want you to know, that despite his fear, how frightened and scared he is, I am, when faced with a real situation, absolutely true to my word.

When I said I have no mercy, when put to the test by a desperate boy, I really do have none..

I want you to know that his desperate state doesn't make me feel pity, it makes me feel strong, and that things are as they should be..

I want you to know that when he sends me photos of his cock bulging out of his metal device, it doesn't in the slightest make me want to release him from his misery, it makes me think how very right it is, how it is helping him, what a beneficial effect it will have on him in the short and long term..

But, ultimately, I want you to know that his hopelessness, the way it makes him need me and depend on me, his horniness, I want you to know that his state excites me and thrills me to the core...

This is what I live for.

I am Mistress Keyholder in her rightful place at long last...

and I want to share with you..

extracts from his report last night..

I want to share with you...

his hopelessness...

... "I was doing my jobs - ironing, cleaning and such like. I had plenty of time to think. It led to a very uncomfortable afternoon Mistress. Which has followed me into the evening. I am currently feeling very uncomfortable indeed.

It's that feeling of hopelessness.

The fear.

I'm really scared - honestly so. I have a queasy feeling in my tummy and tingles of frustration in your cock.

It's because of a combination of things.

I think the biggest is your cock. I have been thinking about it.

It is nearly a week since it was touched.

Not orgasm, just touched.

In fact, it hasn't even been able to get hard for that long. And the same before that.

Your cock is hardly ever allowed to be hard, or to be touched, much less orgasm.  ....

It genuinely is yours... it's not mine anymore. I can't control it's pleasure in any way. Either in terms of frequency or what happens to it.

It's like a sense of loss.... losing what I once so took for granted. Every day, every week it becomes more and more of a loss as it sinks in further just that I have completely lost control of it. That genuinely.... you want to and ARE going to make me suffer.

That this state of being locked up, these feelings of hopelessness that fill me, feelings of helplessness and frustration... of desperation... are not going to go away. That you will foster these feelings and make them my permanent state.

I'm not sure if you realise but you increased that massively yesterday by banning me from looking at porn without asking. I'm even cut off from seeing sex now, let alone touching myself or getting hard.

It feels like you have completely 100% disconnected me from everything sexual - that my only access whatsoever, even in terms of my imagination and fantasies, is through you. Through what you allow me.

You have completely cut me off from sex....

And in doing so you have made me more your slave. More dependant on you. More horny and certainly more desperate. Mistress I feel so very desperate right now. I feel horny and I feel very very dependant on you. I need you Mistress. I need you so very much.

My face is flushed.

My belly is quivering.

My heart is racing.

Your cock is throbbing.

On top of that, ....

....about financial domination.

Oh Mistress.

Yes. Please.

That increases my fear even more ...that we may come to a place where you have control over my finances, or the ability to demand from them. That you will demand of my time, make me your slave to earn money for you - working for you. Literally, slaving away. The thought that it excites you, the control you will achieve, makes it all the more enticing and all the more scary. You being excited by taking from me. Abusing me in this way..... consensual abuse though it is.... the thought that you are excited by tormenting me, making me suffer, just for your pleasure. It makes me worship you even more.

These thoughts make me feel so very very much your slave. More and more all the time. I feel we keep getting closer and closer and as we do, as I fall even more in love with you, you take a little more of me. You dominate me, expect more of me. Each time just increasing that weight in my tummy. Tying me to you. I cannot escape. You have bound me with ties of love, desire and submission. Stronger than any steel and you just keep wrapping more and more of these ties around me.

All of the above scares me Mistress. I feel absolutely hopeless. I want to get out, but I can't. Because I need it. Put it all together and it feels that you are gradually taking over my life. That eventually I will be completely defined by you. Your slave, to mould into exactly what you desire. And very truly, your slave. That's how it feels.

It is incredibly scary because I know you will hurt me, torment me and frustrate me - as you already are doing. I know you will make it worse. It's hard enough already. It really is hard. Especially for your poor cock who wants nothing more than a good wank right now!!!

I don't want any of this. I honestly don't.

But I do NEED it. I need it so badly Mistress. I need to be yours. You are fulfilling my need all the time, yet at the same time fanning the flames that burn me, increasing that need until all I can do is beg you for more.

That's why it's scary. Terrifying.

I am genuinely scared Mistress.

Of what you are making me, what I am turning into.

Of my suffering.

Of my complete lack of ability to touch.

I am so desperate to touch right now. SOOOOO desperate Mistress.

But my place is never to touch, not without you.

It is so very hard and I am so very frightened of it.

I know though Mistress, that you are doing me a kindness. I could easily beg you to let me out right now, but for the knowledge that you are doing me a kindness. I need to cling on to that thought as my fear overwhelms me.

Thank you Mistress, I love you.

Your terrified, adoring and loving boy. x"

And even if he did beg..

you know, don't you?...

Still,

Still, it would be relentless. 

Meeting - his reply

"In reality there were no other women in the street.
There was no-one.
The street was empty save for one person.

In reality there was just a nervous, trembling boy and a confident lady.
A boy whose only desire was to be hers.
A lady who stepped right out of his dreams.

A lady who took the keys so casually.
Slipped them away into her handbag without fuss or fanfare.
Such an easy, casual act but with such huge significance.

And then she asked to see the cage.
He knew... he knew from the intensity of her gaze.
He knew from the satisfaction on her face.

She had told him she has no mercy.
Her sheer enjoyment of his steel prison confirmed this beyond doubt.
Helpless and hopeless to her pleasure.
Lost for her.

She knew.
She knew from the instant she saw him.
Yet she did not tell.
He knew that she knew. She had told him she would.

Her actions spoke to his heart.
His mind remained in turmoil, unknowing.
She left him like that, left him to stew.

Later, a single text message.

'You have a Mistress now' "