End of Year Review - 2022

As 2022 comes to a close, I am drawn to reflect on the past year.

It has been a terrible year for me. 

In March I received what I now know was a final visit and a final text message from the love of my life, before he finally turned his back on me for a new life with a new woman, something I had no inclination about until many weeks after, when a chance discovery revealed all to me.

I thought that time would heal, but 9 months on and I am in just the same pain. It has been a bereavement and healing has not been the quick process I had anticipated. The situation is so unbelievable that I am still in a place of shock. I haven't even processed properly what has happened yet. It still seems incomprehensible. Yet every morning I wake and he isn't there.

I have tried so hard to move on but my heart just doesn't want to, even though I am desperately lonely and unsuited to being single. I feel I'm betraying him if I even start to consider myself with someone new. It's quite a bizarre place to be considering the power exchange between us. 

But I try and trust in the natural order of things. I try to believe that when I'm ready, the right person will come into my life. 

I have had fetish dates, vanilla dates, but nothing is inspiring me. I have felt hopeful and I have given up hope, but it doesn't alter that I attract little in to my life. 

It is a void, an empty space waiting to be filled, but not yet, for a reason which is beyond me.

I fluctuate between feeling sad, lost, despairing, hopeless. I never feel happy. There is a constant dull awareness of loss within me. It never goes away. I might smile, but beneath that smile there isn't a genuine feeling of joy. It's just a formality of pushing my facial muscles into a position that makes a smile, for the sake of habit or expectation. There is no smile in my heart.

I've always known this, but I know it from experience now, that I find it difficult to make new relationships. I can talk to people, I can be the power in a room and exude confidence, but making a genuine, loving connection is ring fenced from me. I am intensely protective of 'me'. I share my love and emotional self only rarely, with select persons only. When I do make that connection I give my all to it. It becomes everything that I am, but doing it in the first place is so rare it has happened maybe only 2 or 3 times in my life.

I do genuinely wonder if I will ever kiss a man again. To grant another man the permission to grace his lips upon mine is an exquisite gift that I give only with great consideration, but once given and chemistry has happened, then my world becomes changed. My aura lifts to a higher plane, and I become a person again, rather than just an existee on this planet.

I'm aggrieved to say that I have wasted a lot of this year, waiting, hoping, genuinely just sitting thinking that he will come back as he always has done in the past. But he walked out of my life in the same sudden and unexpected way that he walked into it. An enigma, just gone without any rationale, discussion or explanation. 

I vow to make next year a little bit more worthwhile for me, even though this is a battle, a forced action that I have to concentrate on in order to accomplish.

So where is Mistress Keyholder in all of this? She has taken a real battering. She has been crushed to a powdered form which no dominant woman should ever have to experience, but it happened. This thing happened to me and I have to live with that.

I really don't believe I will ever find the gold-dust that I had with my boy. It isn't possible to have that 'first ever', ever again. But I am grateful for some moments that I was able to live the dream, where I thought a future could exist where I was in complete bliss for the rest of my life. I have been in that heady place of perfection. I have to be thankful for that.

I would dearly love to find that again, a chastity based female led relationship, but I know I'm looking for the needle in the haystack. I don't expect to find another.

So I seek peace and finding a partner with similar interests with whom to share life. If chastity is part of that, bonus, but I don't expect to find a second nugget as I swirl through the water of life.

I will keep you updated on my search for happiness in a sparse landscape of genuine femdom participants.

I wish you, my readers happiness and fulfilment in your own personal journey's. 

Somewhere, I am, Mistress Keyholder.