Waiting for My New Boy.

It is just over two years now that I have been single and coming up to my third Christmas.

In some respects it seems like a lifetime, in others, barely the blink of an eye. 

One thing that is blatantly clear to me, (I knew before it even happened), is that I detest being single. It is a painful, terrible place for me and something that I have not had to suffer in my adult life before but I can't accept anything less than what my soul truly needs.

I have had vanilla dates and kink dates this year. Nothing is really working for me.

It is because I desire one specific thing. A man who CRAVES to have his cock locked away by me and wants to fall into the depths of all that entails. He wants it so badly he is ready when he approaches me. He has the cage, he knows as much about it as I do and he needs me just as badly as I need him.

He has a beautiful, shiny metal cage and a piercing to secure it in place. He has been looking for me for as long as I have been looking for him.

He has to exist.

Just as I was KH_inmyDreams, searching more than a decade ago, here I am on that arduous journey yet again, in need of the one man who can give me what I need, who feels like 'home' when I am with him, and through the interdependence of strict chastity control brings the binding of a web-like thread around us.

He has fantasised about it from being a boy, I am sure and his attempts to fit in to a vanilla relationship have just left him empty and unfulfilled.

He doesn't just crave chastity. He craves to submit to the will of the woman he is controlled by, to be controlled in all respects. He is willing to give up everything for me. In giving eveything up, he gains more. He gains the absolute bliss of being held by the woman of his dreams. Knowing that she is iron, and when he melts at her feet she will pick him up, with the tip of her finger, and dangle him wherever she pleases.

He will be bound, sensory deprived, suffocated with her control to a place where his belly becomes queasy and heavy and he just submits to whatever she says, to whatever she does. She could take his last breath and he would give it.

All with him dangling from her finger tip.

My finger tip is waiting for its victim. I am waiting to prod and tease and whisper and adore..

the man who presents himself to me for complete ownership.

I remain, 

Mistress KeyHolder.

End of Year Review - 2022

As 2022 comes to a close, I am drawn to reflect on the past year.

It has been a terrible year for me. 

In March I received what I now know was a final visit and a final text message from the love of my life, before he finally turned his back on me for a new life with a new woman, something I had no inclination about until many weeks after, when a chance discovery revealed all to me.

I thought that time would heal, but 9 months on and I am in just the same pain. It has been a bereavement and healing has not been the quick process I had anticipated. The situation is so unbelievable that I am still in a place of shock. I haven't even processed properly what has happened yet. It still seems incomprehensible. Yet every morning I wake and he isn't there.

I have tried so hard to move on but my heart just doesn't want to, even though I am desperately lonely and unsuited to being single. I feel I'm betraying him if I even start to consider myself with someone new. It's quite a bizarre place to be considering the power exchange between us. 

But I try and trust in the natural order of things. I try to believe that when I'm ready, the right person will come into my life. 

I have had fetish dates, vanilla dates, but nothing is inspiring me. I have felt hopeful and I have given up hope, but it doesn't alter that I attract little in to my life. 

It is a void, an empty space waiting to be filled, but not yet, for a reason which is beyond me.

I fluctuate between feeling sad, lost, despairing, hopeless. I never feel happy. There is a constant dull awareness of loss within me. It never goes away. I might smile, but beneath that smile there isn't a genuine feeling of joy. It's just a formality of pushing my facial muscles into a position that makes a smile, for the sake of habit or expectation. There is no smile in my heart.

I've always known this, but I know it from experience now, that I find it difficult to make new relationships. I can talk to people, I can be the power in a room and exude confidence, but making a genuine, loving connection is ring fenced from me. I am intensely protective of 'me'. I share my love and emotional self only rarely, with select persons only. When I do make that connection I give my all to it. It becomes everything that I am, but doing it in the first place is so rare it has happened maybe only 2 or 3 times in my life.

I do genuinely wonder if I will ever kiss a man again. To grant another man the permission to grace his lips upon mine is an exquisite gift that I give only with great consideration, but once given and chemistry has happened, then my world becomes changed. My aura lifts to a higher plane, and I become a person again, rather than just an existee on this planet.

I'm aggrieved to say that I have wasted a lot of this year, waiting, hoping, genuinely just sitting thinking that he will come back as he always has done in the past. But he walked out of my life in the same sudden and unexpected way that he walked into it. An enigma, just gone without any rationale, discussion or explanation. 

I vow to make next year a little bit more worthwhile for me, even though this is a battle, a forced action that I have to concentrate on in order to accomplish.

So where is Mistress Keyholder in all of this? She has taken a real battering. She has been crushed to a powdered form which no dominant woman should ever have to experience, but it happened. This thing happened to me and I have to live with that.

I really don't believe I will ever find the gold-dust that I had with my boy. It isn't possible to have that 'first ever', ever again. But I am grateful for some moments that I was able to live the dream, where I thought a future could exist where I was in complete bliss for the rest of my life. I have been in that heady place of perfection. I have to be thankful for that.

I would dearly love to find that again, a chastity based female led relationship, but I know I'm looking for the needle in the haystack. I don't expect to find another.

So I seek peace and finding a partner with similar interests with whom to share life. If chastity is part of that, bonus, but I don't expect to find a second nugget as I swirl through the water of life.

I will keep you updated on my search for happiness in a sparse landscape of genuine femdom participants.

I wish you, my readers happiness and fulfilment in your own personal journey's. 

Somewhere, I am, Mistress Keyholder.