I have been single now for three years, pretty much to the day. I have spent longer than I had anticipated or desired in the bottom end of a furrow, but that's just the nature of life. There are crests and there are troughs.
I think I'm a positive person and have always had hope and belief that things will pick up for me in time, but the past three years have also brought home some unfortunate realities. I genuinely don't think that I will ever be partnered again. I just can't accept a vanilla relationship and the thought of a man wanting to orgasm inside me. I can't face that. As I try to contemplate it my head just starts to turn left to right as if to reinforce my inability to deal with it. I have tried to find a submissive partner but there isn't anyone on my level or who connects with me. Despite the negatives of my last relationship, the chastity was perfect. The sexual dynamic was perfect. It was a new adventure to both of us and we put our all into it. That same newness, excitement, and chemistry isn't to be replicated.
So, I am coming to a point now where, reluctantly, I am having to accept that the odds are on me being single for the rest of my life. I have been angry about this, sad, desperate to try and get back what I had, but all to no avail. Nothing I have done has changed my situation. All that has happened is that I have slowly begun to rot. I have seen it in my physical appearance and I have felt it in my health and fitness. The sadness was so overwhelming that I couldn't motivate myself out of it.
I hate being single. I hate everything about it and although to other people I look like I'm doing amazingly, inside I feel unfulfilled and that my purpose is wasted. This is something I have to learn to deal with.
Recently though, I have realised that the only thing I have in my power to do in this situation is try to make the best of it, and so I have done just that. I have achieved things with my life that I would never have imagined possible previously. I am 53 now and this year I travelled abroad alone, for the first time in my life, to France, Slovenia and Italy. I have got involved in a new sport which I love and I have met new people. I have stepped out of my comfort zone of always having everything done for me.
Being single has also taught me to appreciate things above my family and my daughter.
True friends. I have very few real friends. Sadly, to most men, even those I thought were my friends, I was nothing more than a sex object and when they realised they weren't going to be next in line to be my partner, they vanished. Only a couple have stood by me, and I treasure them for that.
My dogs. Stupid as it sounds, they gave me a reason to keep getting out of bed on the days my body wanted to give in. They made me put one foot in front of the other and a walk in the fresh air has on some days, been the the only thing to give me enough energy to move on to the next task, and the next... My days are still often navigated one task at a time, forcing my way through it. It's just the way it is, being single when you don't want to be.
My past relationship. I don't replay it in my head anymore, but I know it happened. I know there was a time when I was with a man who I loved passionately and who not only allowed me to be truly me, but at the time, appeared to relish it. I have lived the life I craved so desperately and have experienced being Mistress Keyholder. It was divine. Although he chooses not to be with me now, I had the best time and lived my dream. I am so grateful I didn't end up going to my grave never having experienced that.
Nature. Being outside in nature restores me. When I have nothing else I feel connected to nature. I get comfort from it and it helps rebalance me. It has played a part and continues to aid my recovery.
I try to have things to focus on and look forward to. I make things to focus on. I have for a long time wanted to host a fetish event. I got close to pulling it off but fear of it not being popular stopped me progressing it. Recently though, a situation has presented to me, with a new possibility and next year I might just be in a position to do my event. I'll be updating on X.
There is, of course, always a fractional hope that one day I may just meet a genuine, chastity obsessed man who fits my criteria. I don't actively go searching for this every day now. It will come to me if it's meant to be. Three years of searching daily has been unproductive so I will just let it be.
I am a wasted resource. I have so much to give a partner within a D/s dynamic but I'll be getting on with living rather than chasing a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
To my core, I will always be, Mistress Keyholder.
