KH_inmydreams - Again

19th September 2022

Today was the funeral of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. I, along with millions of others, watched the state funeral and stood to observe Her final journey from Westminster. I shed tears both for Her Majesty but also for my own mourning.

It is one year to the day since my boy, Daddy as he was later renamed, gathered his belongings and left my/our home. It has taken me all this time to be able to write about it and the year that has passed since.

For the first 6 months, we tried, although living separately, we tried to stay together, one of us trying and then the other, but at the 6 month mark, I realised something was very wrong and our communications ended with us both saying we loved each other and our final text message being a reciprocated kiss. It was only a few weeks later that I found out he was living with somebody else.

The pain of this was almost more than I could bear. Suffocating. It was as if our roles were swapped and he held the plastic bag over my head.

It has been a year of trauma. I am still traumatised and in a state of shock. My tummy still hurts. Every single morning I wake I still can't believe that he won't be there next to me. I just can't comprehend that the man who devoted himself so commitedly could leave me without any discussion, explanation or care for my feelings. It was as if I had never even existed.

For the past 6 months I have waited, hanging on our last messages of love to each other, for him to return. I will get criticised, I'm sure, by my followers for not being a strong, dominant woman and for allowing him to do this to me when I should have just got rid a long time ago, but true love does something to alter that. I couldn't just give up on the love of my life. This was how I saw him - the Love of my Life.

He gave me the dream that I only tentatively believed I might experience in my lifetime. I couldn't just give up on 9 years of investment, of the future we'd planned and talked about for so long, of the intense connection I had with him, and I thought he had with me. On his family which I called mine and of our vanilla life, again I became part of his world because I chose to, because I loved it, and it suited me so well.

So every single day I waited for a text, a phone call, a visit. And every day I became more and more disheartened and disappointed. Time wasn't healing. Time was taking me deeper and deeper into a state of sadness because I really did think he would one day come back to me, and I would have accepted him, and made us recover.

I still can't believe it. I can't believe he gave up on us, that he chose someone else over me. We had it all. Our vanilla life and our behind the scenes life could have been the absolute best, but it wasn't to be, for a reason I will never understand. We lost the dream.

So, as I wept for the death of our Queen, I also grieved the death of my love. To carry on living with hope was too painful, and the downward spiral was heading to a place which was not going to end well. I was struggling with depression more and more, and it got worse with each day.

My only option is to attempt to move on. This is what I have to do to save me. 

He asked me once, in our very beginning days, never to leave him. I made a commitment that I wouldn't. When I had him tattooed, I again committed to stay with him for life. It was my 'marriage' vow. I have done my best to honour that for over 180 long and difficult days, but I cannot stay with him when he is no longer here.

When I first began my search for what I thought was the impossible, a life long chastity based relationship, I called myself KH_inmydreams. It was just a dream. I'm in that same place again. Back at the beginning of what might be a very long search for the man of my dreams. 

I have tried looking on vanilla dating sites. A fetish relationship felt a sickening and pointless aim. I just couldn't bring myself to be open to such tragic failure again. But vanilla men just do not appeal to me. It is like asking me to date a woman. There is nothing there at all for me. No feeling, nothing. So I am Mistress Keyholder, looking for her dream man. 

I am as I have always been - demanding, exacting, obsessive and intensely loyal and loving. Whoever gets me will get, as Daddy called me, the woman of their dreams.

To be crushed and abandoned has been the worst experience of my life. I do not say that lightly. This really has been the most emotionally difficult thing that has ever happened to me, inflicted by the man I loved and trusted the most.

I have learnt a number of things from the past decade, one being - expect the unexpected. 

I spoke to a submissive man recently. He gave me hope that there are others out there. Genuine men who want to be dominated and live in a relationship of female control.

I seek my new love. I am open to my new submissive coming into my life. I look forward to a new and loving relationship where I am truly valued, respected and loved for the supreme being that I am.

Darling new boy, please don't take long to find me. I AM WAITING FOR YOU.