A Horrible Cycle

After boy left me in October last year, he came back. I wasn't ever going to give up hope that one day he would. I was prepared to wait for the rest of forever for him.

But, I think most break-ups go through the same process. Break-up, try again, finish. Sometimes there may be another try again... 

I had 14 weeks with boy back in my life, and it felt SO nice. So very, very nice. He put so much effort into us and I felt so loved and special. It was perfect. We went out to events and did all the things we had always talked about. We were living the dream.

But eventually, the things he had done to me previously, which we hadn't really discussed, began to eat me up. The jealousy and anger and feelings of betrayal grew in me, until one day, I blew them all out. Boy had similar feelings of anger at the things I had done to him. At the end of the evening, we were separate again.

It has been just over a month since he went.

I have tried to get him back. 

I have been in an unbearable place, but boy has given up on us. I don't believe he has any more to give me. 

Trying to live with needing him is too hard. I have come to reliase the only way I can try and get through this is to try and block thoughts of him, forget, and to recognise that he doesn't want me any more.

I have removed things from my sight, my memories which I held so dear. I try so hard to avoid seeing him becasue we live so close, but by the strangest quirks of fate, most times I leave my house I see him. I have no idea why, how.. and it hurts me so much to see that he still exists and is apart from me. My boy, that was.

I have to admit, that this break up, this time, was my fault entirely. It really was. But last time, it was his fault entirely. 

I find it hard to comprehend why two people so well matched just couldn't sychronise and make a relationship work. We had everything going for us, but between us, we destroyed it all.

I can't do anything now. I can't keep trying. There is no point. He tried, I tried. Why couldn't we both try in harmony?

I am just me. On my own. I have lost my spark. I have lost what makes me glow. I have lost my love.

Today it would have been a special day for us. It is one year until we had planned to retire together and live all the things we had planned for the past 7 years.

Now I look into my future and it is empty.