Talking to friends recently has made me think about my relationship with boy.
I've been made aware of things about him which I didn't appreciate or notice, qualities in him which I saw past and took for granted...
He never looked at other women when we were together. His eye never wandered and I never felt threatened by his lack of interest in me. I noticed this from our very first meeting, and it never changed. His eye was always on me.
This, and lots of other things were special about him.
One friend told me, "you can't get him back now, he's gone and you can't do anything about it, but you can learn from it and make your next relationship better as a result." I thought these were wise words and that I would act on them.
My friend said, even though I rated my relationship 9 out of 10, boy clearly didn't or he wouldn't have gone. So what was it that was going wrong that I could have done better?
I pondered on this and it was a really significant question. I had thought that I hadn't done anything wrong, but actually I had. There were many things, and this was an upsetting process to go through - admitting fault.
I don't think correcting any of these faults would have stopped the break up, but they will help me be a better Mistress to my next boy, and so I did this process to improve myself. It doesn't take away from the fact that boy also did things wrong - we both did, but I can only be accountable for myself.
I said to my friend, he should have told me he was unhappy - my friend said, no, you should have sensed he was unhappy. I need to be more attuned and responsive to the needs and feelings of my new boy.
I didn't keep a tidy house at all. It wasn't a pleasant place to be. While we could have done something about this together, I could have been more instrumental in initiating change. I have taken heed of this and have started a house overhaul. Bags have been going in the bin and to the charity shop and I will create a haven for my next boy to come home to. Together we will keep it tidy.
Boy was actually a good boy. I never made him feel this way. I always found fault and picked at the smallest inadequacy. It made him feel misterable instead of celebrated. I did often tell him he looked nice though.
There are other things, but these are some of the main ones.
This refection makes it sound like I was all to blame, and a bad person. I don't feel that way at all. I equally did a lot of nice things, but I could have been nicer.
This is how I can develop as a person.
I also want to develop my fetish play. I want to become more skilled in hypnosis and medical play, and I now have contacts and friendships where I can perhaps learn to perfect and develop these skills.
I want to be the Mistress to die for.
This is the path I carve for myself.
I am and always will be, the ever evolving, Mistress Keyholder.
I've been made aware of things about him which I didn't appreciate or notice, qualities in him which I saw past and took for granted...
He never looked at other women when we were together. His eye never wandered and I never felt threatened by his lack of interest in me. I noticed this from our very first meeting, and it never changed. His eye was always on me.
This, and lots of other things were special about him.
One friend told me, "you can't get him back now, he's gone and you can't do anything about it, but you can learn from it and make your next relationship better as a result." I thought these were wise words and that I would act on them.
My friend said, even though I rated my relationship 9 out of 10, boy clearly didn't or he wouldn't have gone. So what was it that was going wrong that I could have done better?
I pondered on this and it was a really significant question. I had thought that I hadn't done anything wrong, but actually I had. There were many things, and this was an upsetting process to go through - admitting fault.
I don't think correcting any of these faults would have stopped the break up, but they will help me be a better Mistress to my next boy, and so I did this process to improve myself. It doesn't take away from the fact that boy also did things wrong - we both did, but I can only be accountable for myself.
I said to my friend, he should have told me he was unhappy - my friend said, no, you should have sensed he was unhappy. I need to be more attuned and responsive to the needs and feelings of my new boy.
I didn't keep a tidy house at all. It wasn't a pleasant place to be. While we could have done something about this together, I could have been more instrumental in initiating change. I have taken heed of this and have started a house overhaul. Bags have been going in the bin and to the charity shop and I will create a haven for my next boy to come home to. Together we will keep it tidy.
Boy was actually a good boy. I never made him feel this way. I always found fault and picked at the smallest inadequacy. It made him feel misterable instead of celebrated. I did often tell him he looked nice though.
There are other things, but these are some of the main ones.
This refection makes it sound like I was all to blame, and a bad person. I don't feel that way at all. I equally did a lot of nice things, but I could have been nicer.
This is how I can develop as a person.
I also want to develop my fetish play. I want to become more skilled in hypnosis and medical play, and I now have contacts and friendships where I can perhaps learn to perfect and develop these skills.
I want to be the Mistress to die for.
This is the path I carve for myself.
I am and always will be, the ever evolving, Mistress Keyholder.
I came across your FL profile and checked out your blog by chance. I thought I might be able to help you out a bit. Why? Because your current situation sounds similar to one I experienced: I was the male sub and I left my domme without any kind of explanation i.e., I WAS AN ASS!! I'm not sure why I did that. It still hurts to think about it. The details are unimportant.
ReplyDeleteWhat IS important is that you continue to do that deep reflection of your time together. It's akin to meditation. It requires a quiet, comfortable place where you feel calm and above all it requires deep breathing - right down into your tummy. Until, you do that it all seems quite emotionally uncomfortable. The deep breathing calms everything down.
At first it's emotional remembering the things you shared. But, as you go through the process several times you can become less judgemental; more objective. You start to see things from a new unbiased perspective. Things that just suddenly pop up like light bulbs turning on. Sounds like you've had some 'AHA' moments already. They'll keep coming. And as they come, you should become more energized. More able to push through and recover.
It's our nature to be judgemental of our past, but that doesn't do us any good. Recover your energy from your past and refocus it on your future.
I hope that doesn't sound like a lot of mumbo jumbo. All I can say is that process helped get me out of a dark funk.
I am on FL:
mooseonknee