Gratitude

I have been single now for three years, pretty much to the day. I have spent longer than I had anticipated or desired in the bottom end of a furrow, but that's just the nature of life. There are crests and there are troughs.

I think I'm a positive person and have always had hope and belief that things will pick up for me in time, but the past three years have also brought home some unfortunate realities. I genuinely don't think that I will ever be partnered again. I just can't accept a vanilla relationship and the thought of a man wanting to orgasm inside me. I can't face that. As I try to contemplate it my head just starts to turn left to right as if to reinforce my inability to deal with it. I have tried to find a submissive partner but there isn't anyone on my level or who connects with me. Despite the negatives of my last relationship, the chastity was perfect. The sexual dynamic was perfect. It was a new adventure to both of us and we put our all into it. That same newness, excitement, and chemistry isn't to be replicated. 

So, I am coming to a point now where, reluctantly, I am having to accept that the odds are on me being single for the rest of my life. I have been angry about this, sad, desperate to try and get back what I had, but all to no avail. Nothing I have done has changed my situation. All that has happened is that I have slowly begun to rot. I have seen it in my physical appearance and I have felt it in my health and fitness. The sadness was so overwhelming that I couldn't motivate myself out of it.

I hate being single. I hate everything about it and although to other people I look like I'm doing amazingly, inside I feel unfulfilled and that my purpose is wasted. This is something I have to learn to deal with.

Recently though, I have realised that the only thing I have in my power to do in this situation is try to make the best of it, and so I have done just that. I have achieved things with my life that I would never have imagined possible previously. I am 53 now and this year I travelled abroad alone, for the first time in my life, to France, Slovenia and Italy. I have got involved in a new sport which I love and I have met new people. I have stepped out of my comfort zone of always having everything done for me. 

Being single has also taught me to appreciate things above my family and my daughter.

True friends. I have very few real friends. Sadly, to most men, even those I thought were my friends, I was nothing more than a sex object and when they realised they weren't going to be next in line to be my partner, they vanished. Only a couple have stood by me, and I treasure them for that. 

My dogs. Stupid as it sounds, they gave me a reason to keep getting out of bed on the days my body wanted to give in. They made me put one foot in front of the other and a walk in the fresh air has on some days, been the the only thing to give me enough energy to move on to the next task, and the next... My days are still often navigated one task at a time, forcing my way through it. It's just the way it is, being single when you don't want to be.

My past relationship. I don't replay it in my head anymore, but I know it happened. I know there was a time when I was with a man who I loved passionately and who not only allowed me to be truly me, but at the time, appeared to relish it. I have lived the life I craved so desperately and have experienced being Mistress Keyholder. It was divine. Although he chooses not to be with me now, I had the best time and lived my dream. I am so grateful I didn't end up going to my grave never having experienced that.

Nature. Being outside in nature restores me. When I have nothing else I feel connected to nature. I get comfort from it and it helps rebalance me. It has played a part and continues to aid my recovery.

I try to have things to focus on and look forward to. I make things to focus on. I have for a long time wanted to host a fetish event. I got close to pulling it off but fear of it not being popular stopped me progressing it. Recently though, a situation has presented to me, with a new possibility and next year I might just be in a position to do my event. I'll be updating on X.

There is, of course, always a fractional hope that one day I may just meet a genuine, chastity obsessed man who fits my criteria. I don't actively go searching for this every day now. It will come to me if it's meant to be. Three years of searching daily has been unproductive so I will just let it be.

I am a wasted resource. I have so much to give a partner within a D/s dynamic but I'll be getting on with living rather than chasing a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

To my core, I will always be, Mistress Keyholder.

Control - It Controls Me

The look of a man completely covered in rubber, head to toe. Black, latex, rubber gimp, with beautiful shiny custom jewellery encasing him in chastity from which he cannot escape. Metal gag pinning open his mouth uncomfortably, forcing his lips and tongue to contort or hang, dribble and strain, as he leans on me, blindly dependent.

Noise cancelling headphones play a droning hypnotic sound directly into his hears. He has no choice other than to hear. It disorientates him. 

His arms and legs secured to points in the wall, tightly, securely. There is no allowance for wriggle, or twist or turn. Straps secure him completely to the ground.

He feels my hands on his face, over the gag, over his latex covered eyes, across the breathing holes covering his nostrils and he feels my lips kiss him, as I stroke his balls. The cage jumps. I caress them, tauntingly, as I allow saliva from my mouth to  land in his mouth. He knows the protocol and attempts to thanks me, mouth still stretch wide...

I crave this control. I have a need which lives inside of me to own a man in this way, to love him in this way and to be needed by him in this way.

My need to control control me. I can't live any other life. 

I seek the man who wants to dissolve under me, who will submit to whatever I do to him, only begging for me to use him more. I seek the man who so falls into my web that he feels he can no longer live or breathe without me.

I know he exists. He has to exist.

I am 53. I have waited almost 3 years for him and I will continue to wait and call out to him to find me.

I just can't exist in any other relationship. It was be a complete waste of my extreme desires to deny them just because they are hard to fulfil.

Dear future beloved boy. Find me. 

I remain, Mistress Keyholder.

Closer...

I have been enticingly close to finding my new boy numerous times now, but that electrical feeling still eludes me.

I hear from submissive men how they are tired of fakes and scammers and they tell me how easy it is for a Mistress. It is not easy for women. There are just as many fantasists as there are scammers. 

There may be thousands of submissive men but almost always they are built on fantasy. They get swept up in the idea of me, and when it comes to the reality of actually committing, they get a wake up call and are off!

But I don't lose faith. I KNOW, I know my partner exists. There has got to be my other half somewhere. There is a man who wants this, genuinely, as much as I do. 

Sometimes I wake up in a state of panic thinking that I might never find him before I die, and how I am wasting my time waiting, but I am not wasting my time. If I ended up in a vanilla relationship, that would be wasting my time!

I can't wait for the day when I can announce that I have found my latex chastity gimp, when I can share him with you and tell you that it was worth waiting for.

Until then, I am waiting... for the man who wants to be owned and to live with the thrill of not knowing what I will think up next. I am so excited for it. I just need him to get to me and then I can live again, as Mistress Keyholder, in my dream. 

Waiting for My New Boy.

It is just over two years now that I have been single and coming up to my third Christmas.

In some respects it seems like a lifetime, in others, barely the blink of an eye. 

One thing that is blatantly clear to me, (I knew before it even happened), is that I detest being single. It is a painful, terrible place for me and something that I have not had to suffer in my adult life before but I can't accept anything less than what my soul truly needs.

I have had vanilla dates and kink dates this year. Nothing is really working for me.

It is because I desire one specific thing. A man who CRAVES to have his cock locked away by me and wants to fall into the depths of all that entails. He wants it so badly he is ready when he approaches me. He has the cage, he knows as much about it as I do and he needs me just as badly as I need him.

He has a beautiful, shiny metal cage and a piercing to secure it in place. He has been looking for me for as long as I have been looking for him.

He has to exist.

Just as I was KH_inmyDreams, searching more than a decade ago, here I am on that arduous journey yet again, in need of the one man who can give me what I need, who feels like 'home' when I am with him, and through the interdependence of strict chastity control brings the binding of a web-like thread around us.

He has fantasised about it from being a boy, I am sure and his attempts to fit in to a vanilla relationship have just left him empty and unfulfilled.

He doesn't just crave chastity. He craves to submit to the will of the woman he is controlled by, to be controlled in all respects. He is willing to give up everything for me. In giving eveything up, he gains more. He gains the absolute bliss of being held by the woman of his dreams. Knowing that she is iron, and when he melts at her feet she will pick him up, with the tip of her finger, and dangle him wherever she pleases.

He will be bound, sensory deprived, suffocated with her control to a place where his belly becomes queasy and heavy and he just submits to whatever she says, to whatever she does. She could take his last breath and he would give it.

All with him dangling from her finger tip.

My finger tip is waiting for its victim. I am waiting to prod and tease and whisper and adore..

the man who presents himself to me for complete ownership.

I remain, 

Mistress KeyHolder.

Expect the Unexpected

If you read what I am about to tell you in a fictional story, you'd say, 'that would never happen in real life', but this IS real life and this story really has happened...

I mentioned in my last post that I'm actively looking now for a partner. I look on fetish sites but I also occasionally glance at vanilla dating sites and swipe left to decline a few men. 

I took it upon myself to visit my least frequently visited vanilla site and swiped a few left, but one right. One, yes. I very rarely get a match, but this one was. I never bother to message first. I just can't be bothered, but within a few minutes I'd got a lovely message from the man. I say man, he was 30, attractive, athletic, tall, smooth. Just my type. I replied and a conversational exchange began. Men usually just don't know how to communicate. The conversation is boring or stilted or both, but this man chatted freely and was interested and interesting. I liked him. I checked where he was based. Yorkshire. A Yorkshireman. Bonus! No wonder we got along. We had a lot of common interests, cycling, walking and he had a job and a car. Surely something would go wrong...

As we chatted I asked whereabouts he lived. He said the name of my town, but spelt it incorrectly. This immediately raised my suspicions. You know how to spell the name of your town! I challenged him. He said he'd newly moved here and had just written it quickly. Easy error I thought. As we became more acquainted I asked which street he lived on. He said the name of my street, but again spelt it incorrectly! This was not sounding good. Red flags were waving. I again challenged, and he said he'd just done it quickly and it had autocorrected. I didn't let on that I also lived on this street, but I told him it was familiar to me and that I knew everyone on it. He was not a resident, I was almost certain. There was only one possible house he could live in, and that was a property which was rented out, but I was sure someone was living there and that it hadn't changed hands. The rental property is directly opposite my house.

I asked him which number he lived at, and he said he wasn't telling. I thought that was fair enough. By this time I was sure he was a fraudster. He had somehow done a check on me and found out some of my personal information including where I lived. It was a little disconcerting. I imagined he was not local and had just done some research on me, so I asked him to tell me something about the street. He told me the housing type - easily found out on Google maps. So we chatted a bit more. He asked my location again. No way was I going to tell him!

As the conversation progressed I think he could tell I now didn't believe a word he was saying, so to try to convince me, he said he'd tell me the number of his home. He said the number of the rental property directly opposite my house! Now I was spooked. He must really have done some detailed research before starting this conversation. I looked out of my window at the house. It was quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary happening. I decided to end the conversation but not delete him just yet. I said goodnight as it was late.

I mentioned to my daughter, guess what, I've just been talking to some faker who claims he lives over the road! We both laughed.

The next morning I got up early and looked out of my window. At that precise moment the door on the rental property over the road opened and a man walked out. It was someone who I hadn't seen there before and as he turned round I saw it was the man I'd been speaking to the night before. OMG! How could this have happened? I've never spoken to anyone within a ten mile radius of my home before, let alone someone within a 5 meter radius. This was just so unreal. 

I text him quickly and said, you were telling the truth weren't you? He replied, do you have spies out? I said no, I live directly opposite you and he looked up and saw me looking out at him. Unbelievable... but it gets better...

The next few days we chatted over text more and more and as always with me, I can't help but bring fetish into the conversation, gently, but I bring it in, just to test the water. He wasn't phased at all, in fact, he said he had experience. Of what, I enquired? 

He began to relate a story to me, where he had been chatting to a couple in his cycling club. They were older. The wife left the conversation and he was chatting with the husband, He mentioned that his wife liked him, with an intimation at a sexual element. He said he liked her too. With that, the husband asked if he would be interested in having sex with her while he watched. To reduce the story, he did. 

So you know what cuckolding is? I have not asked this question often as it always gets a negative and then a ghosting, but this man said, yeah course!

This was just too good to be true. The next weekend saw me at his rental home with a bottle of wine. By the end of the evening the wine bottle was empty and we had discussed every corner of kink. Our hands and lips were, after glass 2, not off each other...

We have had so many ideas about what we'd like to do. He knows about my OnlyFans and is more than delighted to be my camera man. 

I spent so long trying to find a bull who I could connect with while I was with Daddy. We managed some fleeting moments but it never quite felt right for me. I always said, it'll happen, just give it time. It has now happened. Can you imagine just how convenient this would have been, popping oner the road for Daddy's humiliation time, Princess wants some some fun, lets pop over the road... why was the timing of this just off...? I will never know.

So after 9 years having a cuckold partner and no bull, I now have the bull and no cuckold partner! This is known as, Sod's Law. 

I now search for a cuckold rubber chastity gimp who wants to be broken and humiliated by two wonderful, confident people. 

In my life I just never know what is going to happen next!

2023 - A New Me

It is nine and a half months since I heard from Daddy. In that time, even though I knew he had another partner I still hoped, and really expected, that he'd come back to me. He always has done. He had always needed me more.

While I had been hopeful of finding a new partner in the back of my mind I expected Daddy to return, so it wasn't really urgent for me to look and in truth I never thought I'd find anyone to compare with him.

I have reflected a lot over the past few days. Daddy clearly found a Mistress who he thought was better than me. If he can find someone better than me (better than perfection), then I can certainly find someone better than him. A man like him but who can be honest and loyal as well.

It may take me a long time to find him, but I have made the resolution for 2023 to actively search for a new submissive to be my lifetime partner and live under my rule. There has been an important change in my mind. I now believe he exists, and if he exists there is the chance that he will find me. 

I need to be active and 'out there' though. I can't just sit and expect him to magically know where I am and that I'm looking. So I am putting adverts out and getting word out there with new enthusiasm. If you know of a good place for me to put an advert, please let me know.

What changed me? I saw a photo on Twitter, (which I can't re-find to share with you I'm afraid), of a rubber gimp on his knees with his arms wrapped around the thighs of his Mistress. It was so beautiful an image. There is absolutely no reason why I can't find that again.

I am la creme de la creme in the world of chastity key holding and there will be a man who needs me and can be the submissive I so desperately need. A vanilla man is never going to excite me in the way a man wearing chastity does.

So, the search begins in earnest. 

I need - chastity obsessed, tall, fit, preferably hairless and able to relocate. I add to this list, honest. I will not accept another liar.

I look forward to hearing from you (Twitter DM or email me) and one day writing here that I have found my dream... 

I am and always will be, Mistress Keyholder.

End of Year Review - 2022

As 2022 comes to a close, I am drawn to reflect on the past year.

It has been a terrible year for me. 

In March I received what I now know was a final visit and a final text message from the love of my life, before he finally turned his back on me for a new life with a new woman, something I had no inclination about until many weeks after, when a chance discovery revealed all to me.

I thought that time would heal, but 9 months on and I am in just the same pain. It has been a bereavement and healing has not been the quick process I had anticipated. The situation is so unbelievable that I am still in a place of shock. I haven't even processed properly what has happened yet. It still seems incomprehensible. Yet every morning I wake and he isn't there.

I have tried so hard to move on but my heart just doesn't want to, even though I am desperately lonely and unsuited to being single. I feel I'm betraying him if I even start to consider myself with someone new. It's quite a bizarre place to be considering the power exchange between us. 

But I try and trust in the natural order of things. I try to believe that when I'm ready, the right person will come into my life. 

I have had fetish dates, vanilla dates, but nothing is inspiring me. I have felt hopeful and I have given up hope, but it doesn't alter that I attract little in to my life. 

It is a void, an empty space waiting to be filled, but not yet, for a reason which is beyond me.

I fluctuate between feeling sad, lost, despairing, hopeless. I never feel happy. There is a constant dull awareness of loss within me. It never goes away. I might smile, but beneath that smile there isn't a genuine feeling of joy. It's just a formality of pushing my facial muscles into a position that makes a smile, for the sake of habit or expectation. There is no smile in my heart.

I've always known this, but I know it from experience now, that I find it difficult to make new relationships. I can talk to people, I can be the power in a room and exude confidence, but making a genuine, loving connection is ring fenced from me. I am intensely protective of 'me'. I share my love and emotional self only rarely, with select persons only. When I do make that connection I give my all to it. It becomes everything that I am, but doing it in the first place is so rare it has happened maybe only 2 or 3 times in my life.

I do genuinely wonder if I will ever kiss a man again. To grant another man the permission to grace his lips upon mine is an exquisite gift that I give only with great consideration, but once given and chemistry has happened, then my world becomes changed. My aura lifts to a higher plane, and I become a person again, rather than just an existee on this planet.

I'm aggrieved to say that I have wasted a lot of this year, waiting, hoping, genuinely just sitting thinking that he will come back as he always has done in the past. But he walked out of my life in the same sudden and unexpected way that he walked into it. An enigma, just gone without any rationale, discussion or explanation. 

I vow to make next year a little bit more worthwhile for me, even though this is a battle, a forced action that I have to concentrate on in order to accomplish.

So where is Mistress Keyholder in all of this? She has taken a real battering. She has been crushed to a powdered form which no dominant woman should ever have to experience, but it happened. This thing happened to me and I have to live with that.

I really don't believe I will ever find the gold-dust that I had with my boy. It isn't possible to have that 'first ever', ever again. But I am grateful for some moments that I was able to live the dream, where I thought a future could exist where I was in complete bliss for the rest of my life. I have been in that heady place of perfection. I have to be thankful for that.

I would dearly love to find that again, a chastity based female led relationship, but I know I'm looking for the needle in the haystack. I don't expect to find another.

So I seek peace and finding a partner with similar interests with whom to share life. If chastity is part of that, bonus, but I don't expect to find a second nugget as I swirl through the water of life.

I will keep you updated on my search for happiness in a sparse landscape of genuine femdom participants.

I wish you, my readers happiness and fulfilment in your own personal journey's. 

Somewhere, I am, Mistress Keyholder.