A Corner is Turned

I should start by saying that, Twink went. I have no idea why. He just went and I never saw him again. He didn't stay beyond the first week of February 2025. He was too young. Since then I had pretty much given up.

A few weeks ago I received quite a long text message from a communication which came quite out of the blue.

It was harsh but brought home a realisation that I have been avoiding for 14 and a half years.

I was so keen to build a life around my dream of a chastity based lifestyle I gave grace where it wasn't deserved. I allowed someone to be part of my life who didn't deserve that place. I believed in the best possible outcome, I gave chances, many of them, and always belived a positive outcome was possible.

People around me told me I was wrong, mistaken, being taken for granted, being destroyed, but I just coudn't see it. 

For four years after he left, I still coudn't see it. I still hoped for the best and believed in a connection I truly thought was there, but I was wrong. 

The words in that text message clarified something bare and honest and painful.

My belief, my positive outlook, my hope and personal desires were not enough to build a relationship. It was only half a foundation and so the house kept tipping over and collapsing into the ground.

No matter how strong, true and firm my footings, if the other side could not match me, it was always going to fail. 

In that text message, I saw the cracks and fallibilities which were permanent in the structure and I do not deserve that.

I am bold, and the past 14 years have made me bolder.

At first, I thought I should give up on my dream to find a D/s relationship, that I was only ever going to find flawed men in this sphere.

But I exist. I am here with a solid maturity, emotional stability, intelligence and strength of character. There is absolutely no reason why my true match can't be found.

And so, I set out, as I did all those years ago, well over a decade and a half at the start of this blog, to find my other half. A man who can match me not just sexually, as my adoring submissive, but on deeper levels also. A man who is fit, vibrant, an organiser in the outside world, but who depends on the safety and emotional security that a strong dominant woman can give.

After 4 years of being alone, thinking I was was growing and moving forward, 6 weeks ago I actually realised I had been stuck in a warp of turmoil dependance which had slowly depleted me over the decade.

6 weeks ago, that text message woke me up, and I finally closed the door on my demons of the past and turned my back. I faced forward and decided I am getting my true self back. The strong dominant woman that I have been all my life, but lost sight of and tried to turn my back on. 

Supressing Mistress Keyholder was damaging to my psyche. 

I AM Mistress Keyholder. She did not arrive by design or imagination. She is me. She existed within me before I even realised. She was not made by men or for men. She is me. The strongest, most genuinely sexually dominant dominant woman most of you will ever come across.

Somewhere in the world there is a self assured submissive who is compatiable without being destructive, who can trust in my intensity and let themselves go completely. Who can give me the life I desire without costing me my life. 

Twink was almost it. He showed me other men are out there who can ignite me.

Welcome back Mistress Keyholder. Look to your feet for the worthy sub to become the new part of your life.

Twink

He messaged me in October last year asking for me to consider him. He described himself briefly and he sounded ok. Ok so far. Then he tells me he's away abroad travelling and won't be back for months.

Yet another time waster, I think. I tell him to message me on his return to the UK and promptly forget about him and never expect to hear from him again.

Jan 2nd 2025.

He messages again and tells me he's back and would like to take me out for a coffee. He lives very close to me, we kind of got along over a few texts, so I agree, still not expecting anything other than a message prior to meeting saying he can't make it.

He's quite a lot younger than me, and it's always just a fantasy thing. I have literally had over a thousand young men ask me out only to chicken out last minute.

I was quite surprised when the day arrived, he didn't cancel, and a very young looking man (even for his age) appeared as arranged. 

I have been on dates, quite a lot over the past three years, and I always go home and think, it wasn't quite right, and it ends. But this time, I didn't go home disappointed. I actually liked him, and it appeared to be a mutual feeling.

We've met a few times since, and while we get along, and there is definitely a spark, there are a lot of con's and I do have concerns.

• He is terrible at communication and I depend on the closeness it brings
• He appears completely disinterested at times, mostly due to the lack of communication
• He has zero motivation
• He is disorganised (as am I and I need organisation in my life)
• He doesn't express his feelings

But he has pro's.

• I can sense his submissive nature
• He's stuck with me for quite a while
• We have similar kink interests
• I feel at ease with him

He is going to be very hard work and it may be a complete failure, but for now, I've decided to give it a go, and as such, I am focussed on him alone. It would be unfair for me to say any other. If I'm giving him a go, I've got to be committed and give it my full attention. He is going to need it!

If it fails, it shares with my devoted readers that the fetish life I am predestined to be involved in is challenging and comes with ups, downs and complete collapses. It's just the reality of life, but I'll share the experience, and we'll see where it goes.

I have named him. 

Twink. 

He calls me Miss. 

This will be the story of Miss and Twink.

It may be a short story. It may be long. Let's hope it's the latter.

So I begin 2025 with a tiny fraction of hope for happiness to be in my life again. To have my other half completed. I have survived the past three years alone, but it has been just that. Surviving. I have done some amazing things that have pushed my boundaries and I've achieved things I never thought I would, but something is just missing.

Let's see if Twink is my missing jigsaw piece.

As always, I am, Mistress Keyholder. Chastity is my obsession.

Gratitude

I have been single now for three years, pretty much to the day. I have spent longer than I had anticipated or desired in the bottom end of a furrow, but that's just the nature of life. There are crests and there are troughs.

I think I'm a positive person and have always had hope and belief that things will pick up for me in time, but the past three years have also brought home some unfortunate realities. I genuinely don't think that I will ever be partnered again. I just can't accept a vanilla relationship and the thought of a man wanting to orgasm inside me. I can't face that. As I try to contemplate it my head just starts to turn left to right as if to reinforce my inability to deal with it. I have tried to find a submissive partner but there isn't anyone on my level or who connects with me. Despite the negatives of my last relationship, the chastity was perfect. The sexual dynamic was perfect. It was a new adventure to both of us and we put our all into it. That same newness, excitement, and chemistry isn't to be replicated. 

So, I am coming to a point now where, reluctantly, I am having to accept that the odds are on me being single for the rest of my life. I have been angry about this, sad, desperate to try and get back what I had, but all to no avail. Nothing I have done has changed my situation. All that has happened is that I have slowly begun to rot. I have seen it in my physical appearance and I have felt it in my health and fitness. The sadness was so overwhelming that I couldn't motivate myself out of it.

I hate being single. I hate everything about it and although to other people I look like I'm doing amazingly, inside I feel unfulfilled and that my purpose is wasted. This is something I have to learn to deal with.

Recently though, I have realised that the only thing I have in my power to do in this situation is try to make the best of it, and so I have done just that. I have achieved things with my life that I would never have imagined possible previously. I am 53 now and this year I travelled abroad alone, for the first time in my life, to France, Slovenia and Italy. I have got involved in a new sport which I love and I have met new people. I have stepped out of my comfort zone of always having everything done for me. 

Being single has also taught me to appreciate things above my family and my daughter.

True friends. I have very few real friends. Sadly, to most men, even those I thought were my friends, I was nothing more than a sex object and when they realised they weren't going to be next in line to be my partner, they vanished. Only a couple have stood by me, and I treasure them for that. 

My dogs. Stupid as it sounds, they gave me a reason to keep getting out of bed on the days my body wanted to give in. They made me put one foot in front of the other and a walk in the fresh air has on some days, been the the only thing to give me enough energy to move on to the next task, and the next... My days are still often navigated one task at a time, forcing my way through it. It's just the way it is, being single when you don't want to be.

My past relationship. I don't replay it in my head anymore, but I know it happened. I know there was a time when I was with a man who I loved passionately and who not only allowed me to be truly me, but at the time, appeared to relish it. I have lived the life I craved so desperately and have experienced being Mistress Keyholder. It was divine. Although he chooses not to be with me now, I had the best time and lived my dream. I am so grateful I didn't end up going to my grave never having experienced that.

Nature. Being outside in nature restores me. When I have nothing else I feel connected to nature. I get comfort from it and it helps rebalance me. It has played a part and continues to aid my recovery.

I try to have things to focus on and look forward to. I make things to focus on. I have for a long time wanted to host a fetish event. I got close to pulling it off but fear of it not being popular stopped me progressing it. Recently though, a situation has presented to me, with a new possibility and next year I might just be in a position to do my event. I'll be updating on X.

There is, of course, always a fractional hope that one day I may just meet a genuine, chastity obsessed man who fits my criteria. I don't actively go searching for this every day now. It will come to me if it's meant to be. Three years of searching daily has been unproductive so I will just let it be.

I am a wasted resource. I have so much to give a partner within a D/s dynamic but I'll be getting on with living rather than chasing a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

To my core, I will always be, Mistress Keyholder.

Control - It Controls Me

The look of a man completely covered in rubber, head to toe. Black, latex, rubber gimp, with beautiful shiny custom jewellery encasing him in chastity from which he cannot escape. Metal gag pinning open his mouth uncomfortably, forcing his lips and tongue to contort or hang, dribble and strain, as he leans on me, blindly dependent.

Noise cancelling headphones play a droning hypnotic sound directly into his hears. He has no choice other than to hear. It disorientates him. 

His arms and legs secured to points in the wall, tightly, securely. There is no allowance for wriggle, or twist or turn. Straps secure him completely to the ground.

He feels my hands on his face, over the gag, over his latex covered eyes, across the breathing holes covering his nostrils and he feels my lips kiss him, as I stroke his balls. The cage jumps. I caress them, tauntingly, as I allow saliva from my mouth to  land in his mouth. He knows the protocol and attempts to thanks me, mouth still stretch wide...

I crave this control. I have a need which lives inside of me to own a man in this way, to love him in this way and to be needed by him in this way.

My need to control control me. I can't live any other life. 

I seek the man who wants to dissolve under me, who will submit to whatever I do to him, only begging for me to use him more. I seek the man who so falls into my web that he feels he can no longer live or breathe without me.

I know he exists. He has to exist.

I am 53. I have waited almost 3 years for him and I will continue to wait and call out to him to find me.

I just can't exist in any other relationship. It was be a complete waste of my extreme desires to deny them just because they are hard to fulfil.

Dear future beloved boy. Find me. 

I remain, Mistress Keyholder.

Closer...

I have been enticingly close to finding my new boy numerous times now, but that electrical feeling still eludes me.

I hear from submissive men how they are tired of fakes and scammers and they tell me how easy it is for a Mistress. It is not easy for women. There are just as many fantasists as there are scammers. 

There may be thousands of submissive men but almost always they are built on fantasy. They get swept up in the idea of me, and when it comes to the reality of actually committing, they get a wake up call and are off!

But I don't lose faith. I KNOW, I know my partner exists. There has got to be my other half somewhere. There is a man who wants this, genuinely, as much as I do. 

Sometimes I wake up in a state of panic thinking that I might never find him before I die, and how I am wasting my time waiting, but I am not wasting my time. If I ended up in a vanilla relationship, that would be wasting my time!

I can't wait for the day when I can announce that I have found my latex chastity gimp, when I can share him with you and tell you that it was worth waiting for.

Until then, I am waiting... for the man who wants to be owned and to live with the thrill of not knowing what I will think up next. I am so excited for it. I just need him to get to me and then I can live again, as Mistress Keyholder, in my dream. 

Waiting for My New Boy.

It is just over two years now that I have been single and coming up to my third Christmas.

In some respects it seems like a lifetime, in others, barely the blink of an eye. 

One thing that is blatantly clear to me, (I knew before it even happened), is that I detest being single. It is a painful, terrible place for me and something that I have not had to suffer in my adult life before but I can't accept anything less than what my soul truly needs.

I have had vanilla dates and kink dates this year. Nothing is really working for me.

It is because I desire one specific thing. A man who CRAVES to have his cock locked away by me and wants to fall into the depths of all that entails. He wants it so badly he is ready when he approaches me. He has the cage, he knows as much about it as I do and he needs me just as badly as I need him.

He has a beautiful, shiny metal cage and a piercing to secure it in place. He has been looking for me for as long as I have been looking for him.

He has to exist.

Just as I was KH_inmyDreams, searching more than a decade ago, here I am on that arduous journey yet again, in need of the one man who can give me what I need, who feels like 'home' when I am with him, and through the interdependence of strict chastity control brings the binding of a web-like thread around us.

He has fantasised about it from being a boy, I am sure and his attempts to fit in to a vanilla relationship have just left him empty and unfulfilled.

He doesn't just crave chastity. He craves to submit to the will of the woman he is controlled by, to be controlled in all respects. He is willing to give up everything for me. In giving eveything up, he gains more. He gains the absolute bliss of being held by the woman of his dreams. Knowing that she is iron, and when he melts at her feet she will pick him up, with the tip of her finger, and dangle him wherever she pleases.

He will be bound, sensory deprived, suffocated with her control to a place where his belly becomes queasy and heavy and he just submits to whatever she says, to whatever she does. She could take his last breath and he would give it.

All with him dangling from her finger tip.

My finger tip is waiting for its victim. I am waiting to prod and tease and whisper and adore..

the man who presents himself to me for complete ownership.

I remain, 

Mistress KeyHolder.

Expect the Unexpected

If you read what I am about to tell you in a fictional story, you'd say, 'that would never happen in real life', but this IS real life and this story really has happened...

I mentioned in my last post that I'm actively looking now for a partner. I look on fetish sites but I also occasionally glance at vanilla dating sites and swipe left to decline a few men. 

I took it upon myself to visit my least frequently visited vanilla site and swiped a few left, but one right. One, yes. I very rarely get a match, but this one was. I never bother to message first. I just can't be bothered, but within a few minutes I'd got a lovely message from the man. I say man, he was 30, attractive, athletic, tall, smooth. Just my type. I replied and a conversational exchange began. Men usually just don't know how to communicate. The conversation is boring or stilted or both, but this man chatted freely and was interested and interesting. I liked him. I checked where he was based. Yorkshire. A Yorkshireman. Bonus! No wonder we got along. We had a lot of common interests, cycling, walking and he had a job and a car. Surely something would go wrong...

As we chatted I asked whereabouts he lived. He said the name of my town, but spelt it incorrectly. This immediately raised my suspicions. You know how to spell the name of your town! I challenged him. He said he'd newly moved here and had just written it quickly. Easy error I thought. As we became more acquainted I asked which street he lived on. He said the name of my street, but again spelt it incorrectly! This was not sounding good. Red flags were waving. I again challenged, and he said he'd just done it quickly and it had autocorrected. I didn't let on that I also lived on this street, but I told him it was familiar to me and that I knew everyone on it. He was not a resident, I was almost certain. There was only one possible house he could live in, and that was a property which was rented out, but I was sure someone was living there and that it hadn't changed hands. The rental property is directly opposite my house.

I asked him which number he lived at, and he said he wasn't telling. I thought that was fair enough. By this time I was sure he was a fraudster. He had somehow done a check on me and found out some of my personal information including where I lived. It was a little disconcerting. I imagined he was not local and had just done some research on me, so I asked him to tell me something about the street. He told me the housing type - easily found out on Google maps. So we chatted a bit more. He asked my location again. No way was I going to tell him!

As the conversation progressed I think he could tell I now didn't believe a word he was saying, so to try to convince me, he said he'd tell me the number of his home. He said the number of the rental property directly opposite my house! Now I was spooked. He must really have done some detailed research before starting this conversation. I looked out of my window at the house. It was quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary happening. I decided to end the conversation but not delete him just yet. I said goodnight as it was late.

I mentioned to my daughter, guess what, I've just been talking to some faker who claims he lives over the road! We both laughed.

The next morning I got up early and looked out of my window. At that precise moment the door on the rental property over the road opened and a man walked out. It was someone who I hadn't seen there before and as he turned round I saw it was the man I'd been speaking to the night before. OMG! How could this have happened? I've never spoken to anyone within a ten mile radius of my home before, let alone someone within a 5 meter radius. This was just so unreal. 

I text him quickly and said, you were telling the truth weren't you? He replied, do you have spies out? I said no, I live directly opposite you and he looked up and saw me looking out at him. Unbelievable... but it gets better...

The next few days we chatted over text more and more and as always with me, I can't help but bring fetish into the conversation, gently, but I bring it in, just to test the water. He wasn't phased at all, in fact, he said he had experience. Of what, I enquired? 

He began to relate a story to me, where he had been chatting to a couple in his cycling club. They were older. The wife left the conversation and he was chatting with the husband, He mentioned that his wife liked him, with an intimation at a sexual element. He said he liked her too. With that, the husband asked if he would be interested in having sex with her while he watched. To reduce the story, he did. 

So you know what cuckolding is? I have not asked this question often as it always gets a negative and then a ghosting, but this man said, yeah course!

This was just too good to be true. The next weekend saw me at his rental home with a bottle of wine. By the end of the evening the wine bottle was empty and we had discussed every corner of kink. Our hands and lips were, after glass 2, not off each other...

We have had so many ideas about what we'd like to do. He knows about my OnlyFans and is more than delighted to be my camera man. 

I spent so long trying to find a bull who I could connect with while I was with Daddy. We managed some fleeting moments but it never quite felt right for me. I always said, it'll happen, just give it time. It has now happened. Can you imagine just how convenient this would have been, popping oner the road for Daddy's humiliation time, Princess wants some some fun, lets pop over the road... why was the timing of this just off...? I will never know.

So after 9 years having a cuckold partner and no bull, I now have the bull and no cuckold partner! This is known as, Sod's Law. 

I now search for a cuckold rubber chastity gimp who wants to be broken and humiliated by two wonderful, confident people. 

In my life I just never know what is going to happen next!

2023 - A New Me

It is nine and a half months since I heard from Daddy. In that time, even though I knew he had another partner I still hoped, and really expected, that he'd come back to me. He always has done. He had always needed me more.

While I had been hopeful of finding a new partner in the back of my mind I expected Daddy to return, so it wasn't really urgent for me to look and in truth I never thought I'd find anyone to compare with him.

I have reflected a lot over the past few days. Daddy clearly found a Mistress who he thought was better than me. If he can find someone better than me (better than perfection), then I can certainly find someone better than him. A man like him but who can be honest and loyal as well.

It may take me a long time to find him, but I have made the resolution for 2023 to actively search for a new submissive to be my lifetime partner and live under my rule. There has been an important change in my mind. I now believe he exists, and if he exists there is the chance that he will find me. 

I need to be active and 'out there' though. I can't just sit and expect him to magically know where I am and that I'm looking. So I am putting adverts out and getting word out there with new enthusiasm. If you know of a good place for me to put an advert, please let me know.

What changed me? I saw a photo on Twitter, (which I can't re-find to share with you I'm afraid), of a rubber gimp on his knees with his arms wrapped around the thighs of his Mistress. It was so beautiful an image. There is absolutely no reason why I can't find that again.

I am la creme de la creme in the world of chastity key holding and there will be a man who needs me and can be the submissive I so desperately need. A vanilla man is never going to excite me in the way a man wearing chastity does.

So, the search begins in earnest. 

I need - chastity obsessed, tall, fit, preferably hairless and able to relocate. I add to this list, honest. I will not accept another liar.

I look forward to hearing from you (Twitter DM or email me) and one day writing here that I have found my dream... 

I am and always will be, Mistress Keyholder.

End of Year Review - 2022

As 2022 comes to a close, I am drawn to reflect on the past year.

It has been a terrible year for me. 

In March I received what I now know was a final visit and a final text message from the love of my life, before he finally turned his back on me for a new life with a new woman, something I had no inclination about until many weeks after, when a chance discovery revealed all to me.

I thought that time would heal, but 9 months on and I am in just the same pain. It has been a bereavement and healing has not been the quick process I had anticipated. The situation is so unbelievable that I am still in a place of shock. I haven't even processed properly what has happened yet. It still seems incomprehensible. Yet every morning I wake and he isn't there.

I have tried so hard to move on but my heart just doesn't want to, even though I am desperately lonely and unsuited to being single. I feel I'm betraying him if I even start to consider myself with someone new. It's quite a bizarre place to be considering the power exchange between us. 

But I try and trust in the natural order of things. I try to believe that when I'm ready, the right person will come into my life. 

I have had fetish dates, vanilla dates, but nothing is inspiring me. I have felt hopeful and I have given up hope, but it doesn't alter that I attract little in to my life. 

It is a void, an empty space waiting to be filled, but not yet, for a reason which is beyond me.

I fluctuate between feeling sad, lost, despairing, hopeless. I never feel happy. There is a constant dull awareness of loss within me. It never goes away. I might smile, but beneath that smile there isn't a genuine feeling of joy. It's just a formality of pushing my facial muscles into a position that makes a smile, for the sake of habit or expectation. There is no smile in my heart.

I've always known this, but I know it from experience now, that I find it difficult to make new relationships. I can talk to people, I can be the power in a room and exude confidence, but making a genuine, loving connection is ring fenced from me. I am intensely protective of 'me'. I share my love and emotional self only rarely, with select persons only. When I do make that connection I give my all to it. It becomes everything that I am, but doing it in the first place is so rare it has happened maybe only 2 or 3 times in my life.

I do genuinely wonder if I will ever kiss a man again. To grant another man the permission to grace his lips upon mine is an exquisite gift that I give only with great consideration, but once given and chemistry has happened, then my world becomes changed. My aura lifts to a higher plane, and I become a person again, rather than just an existee on this planet.

I'm aggrieved to say that I have wasted a lot of this year, waiting, hoping, genuinely just sitting thinking that he will come back as he always has done in the past. But he walked out of my life in the same sudden and unexpected way that he walked into it. An enigma, just gone without any rationale, discussion or explanation. 

I vow to make next year a little bit more worthwhile for me, even though this is a battle, a forced action that I have to concentrate on in order to accomplish.

So where is Mistress Keyholder in all of this? She has taken a real battering. She has been crushed to a powdered form which no dominant woman should ever have to experience, but it happened. This thing happened to me and I have to live with that.

I really don't believe I will ever find the gold-dust that I had with my boy. It isn't possible to have that 'first ever', ever again. But I am grateful for some moments that I was able to live the dream, where I thought a future could exist where I was in complete bliss for the rest of my life. I have been in that heady place of perfection. I have to be thankful for that.

I would dearly love to find that again, a chastity based female led relationship, but I know I'm looking for the needle in the haystack. I don't expect to find another.

So I seek peace and finding a partner with similar interests with whom to share life. If chastity is part of that, bonus, but I don't expect to find a second nugget as I swirl through the water of life.

I will keep you updated on my search for happiness in a sparse landscape of genuine femdom participants.

I wish you, my readers happiness and fulfilment in your own personal journey's. 

Somewhere, I am, Mistress Keyholder.

Video Content Creator Needed

You will know that I already have some video content. There is a small amount on YouTube, some on OnlyFans and some also on I Want Clips.

I need to be Mistress KeyHolder again and one way I can do this is by creating video content.

My head is full of ideas, from hypnosis style spirals with repeated instructions to POV slow tease clips. 

I'm looking for someone with video content creation skills to work with me to create these, as a submissive duty to me. I have the cameras, computer and video editing software. I just need someone with the skills to help me turn my ideas into content. I'm happy for you to work in my home. 

It would also be useful to have audio editing skills with a programme such as Audacity.

The best way to apply is by direct message to my Twitter. I am most active there. I will also accept messages though message on Only Fans and my email - MistressKeyh@hotmail.co.uk although I don't look there often so you may not get an immediate reply.

If you have ideas of your own I am happy for you to share your creative style with me.

Feel free to ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and working with the successful applicant.

KH_inmydreams - Again

19th September 2022

Today was the funeral of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. I, along with millions of others, watched the state funeral and stood to observe Her final journey from Westminster. I shed tears both for Her Majesty but also for my own mourning.

It is one year to the day since my boy, Daddy as he was later renamed, gathered his belongings and left my/our home. It has taken me all this time to be able to write about it and the year that has passed since.

For the first 6 months, we tried, although living separately, we tried to stay together, one of us trying and then the other, but at the 6 month mark, I realised something was very wrong and our communications ended with us both saying we loved each other and our final text message being a reciprocated kiss. It was only a few weeks later that I found out he was living with somebody else.

The pain of this was almost more than I could bear. Suffocating. It was as if our roles were swapped and he held the plastic bag over my head.

It has been a year of trauma. I am still traumatised and in a state of shock. My tummy still hurts. Every single morning I wake I still can't believe that he won't be there next to me. I just can't comprehend that the man who devoted himself so commitedly could leave me without any discussion, explanation or care for my feelings. It was as if I had never even existed.

For the past 6 months I have waited, hanging on our last messages of love to each other, for him to return. I will get criticised, I'm sure, by my followers for not being a strong, dominant woman and for allowing him to do this to me when I should have just got rid a long time ago, but true love does something to alter that. I couldn't just give up on the love of my life. This was how I saw him - the Love of my Life.

He gave me the dream that I only tentatively believed I might experience in my lifetime. I couldn't just give up on 9 years of investment, of the future we'd planned and talked about for so long, of the intense connection I had with him, and I thought he had with me. On his family which I called mine and of our vanilla life, again I became part of his world because I chose to, because I loved it, and it suited me so well.

So every single day I waited for a text, a phone call, a visit. And every day I became more and more disheartened and disappointed. Time wasn't healing. Time was taking me deeper and deeper into a state of sadness because I really did think he would one day come back to me, and I would have accepted him, and made us recover.

I still can't believe it. I can't believe he gave up on us, that he chose someone else over me. We had it all. Our vanilla life and our behind the scenes life could have been the absolute best, but it wasn't to be, for a reason I will never understand. We lost the dream.

So, as I wept for the death of our Queen, I also grieved the death of my love. To carry on living with hope was too painful, and the downward spiral was heading to a place which was not going to end well. I was struggling with depression more and more, and it got worse with each day.

My only option is to attempt to move on. This is what I have to do to save me. 

He asked me once, in our very beginning days, never to leave him. I made a commitment that I wouldn't. When I had him tattooed, I again committed to stay with him for life. It was my 'marriage' vow. I have done my best to honour that for over 180 long and difficult days, but I cannot stay with him when he is no longer here.

When I first began my search for what I thought was the impossible, a life long chastity based relationship, I called myself KH_inmydreams. It was just a dream. I'm in that same place again. Back at the beginning of what might be a very long search for the man of my dreams. 

I have tried looking on vanilla dating sites. A fetish relationship felt a sickening and pointless aim. I just couldn't bring myself to be open to such tragic failure again. But vanilla men just do not appeal to me. It is like asking me to date a woman. There is nothing there at all for me. No feeling, nothing. So I am Mistress Keyholder, looking for her dream man. 

I am as I have always been - demanding, exacting, obsessive and intensely loyal and loving. Whoever gets me will get, as Daddy called me, the woman of their dreams.

To be crushed and abandoned has been the worst experience of my life. I do not say that lightly. This really has been the most emotionally difficult thing that has ever happened to me, inflicted by the man I loved and trusted the most.

I have learnt a number of things from the past decade, one being - expect the unexpected. 

I spoke to a submissive man recently. He gave me hope that there are others out there. Genuine men who want to be dominated and live in a relationship of female control.

I seek my new love. I am open to my new submissive coming into my life. I look forward to a new and loving relationship where I am truly valued, respected and loved for the supreme being that I am.

Darling new boy, please don't take long to find me. I AM WAITING FOR YOU.

A Horrible Cycle

After boy left me in October last year, he came back. I wasn't ever going to give up hope that one day he would. I was prepared to wait for the rest of forever for him.

But, I think most break-ups go through the same process. Break-up, try again, finish. Sometimes there may be another try again... 

I had 14 weeks with boy back in my life, and it felt SO nice. So very, very nice. He put so much effort into us and I felt so loved and special. It was perfect. We went out to events and did all the things we had always talked about. We were living the dream.

But eventually, the things he had done to me previously, which we hadn't really discussed, began to eat me up. The jealousy and anger and feelings of betrayal grew in me, until one day, I blew them all out. Boy had similar feelings of anger at the things I had done to him. At the end of the evening, we were separate again.

It has been just over a month since he went.

I have tried to get him back. 

I have been in an unbearable place, but boy has given up on us. I don't believe he has any more to give me. 

Trying to live with needing him is too hard. I have come to reliase the only way I can try and get through this is to try and block thoughts of him, forget, and to recognise that he doesn't want me any more.

I have removed things from my sight, my memories which I held so dear. I try so hard to avoid seeing him becasue we live so close, but by the strangest quirks of fate, most times I leave my house I see him. I have no idea why, how.. and it hurts me so much to see that he still exists and is apart from me. My boy, that was.

I have to admit, that this break up, this time, was my fault entirely. It really was. But last time, it was his fault entirely. 

I find it hard to comprehend why two people so well matched just couldn't sychronise and make a relationship work. We had everything going for us, but between us, we destroyed it all.

I can't do anything now. I can't keep trying. There is no point. He tried, I tried. Why couldn't we both try in harmony?

I am just me. On my own. I have lost my spark. I have lost what makes me glow. I have lost my love.

Today it would have been a special day for us. It is one year until we had planned to retire together and live all the things we had planned for the past 7 years.

Now I look into my future and it is empty. 

Reflecting, and Learning.

Talking to friends recently has made me think about my relationship with boy.

I've been made aware of things about him which I didn't appreciate or notice, qualities in him which I saw past and took for granted...

He never looked at other women when we were together. His eye never wandered and I never felt threatened by his lack of interest in me. I noticed this from our very first meeting, and it never changed. His eye was always on me.

This, and lots of other things were special about him.

One friend told me, "you can't get him back now, he's gone and you can't do anything about it, but you can learn from it and make your next relationship better as a result." I thought these were wise words and that I would act on them.

My friend said, even though I rated my relationship 9 out of 10, boy clearly didn't or he wouldn't have gone. So what was it that was going wrong that I could have done better?

I pondered on this and it was a really significant question. I had thought that I hadn't done anything wrong, but actually I had. There were many things, and this was an upsetting process to go through - admitting fault.

I don't think correcting any of these faults would have stopped the break up, but they will help me be a better Mistress to my next boy, and so I did this process to improve myself. It doesn't take away from the fact that boy also did things wrong - we both did, but I can only be accountable for myself.

I said to my friend, he should have told me he was unhappy - my friend said, no, you should have sensed he was unhappy. I need to be more attuned and responsive to the needs and feelings of my new boy.

I didn't keep a tidy house at all. It wasn't a pleasant place to be. While we could have done something about this together, I could have been more instrumental in initiating change. I have taken heed of this and have started a house overhaul. Bags have been going in the bin and to the charity shop and I will create a haven for my next boy to come home to. Together we will keep it tidy.

Boy was actually a good boy. I never made him feel this way. I always found fault and picked at the smallest inadequacy. It made him feel misterable instead of celebrated. I did often tell him he looked nice though. 

There are other things, but these are some of the main ones. 

This refection makes it sound like I was all to blame, and a bad person. I don't feel that way at all. I equally did a lot of nice things, but I could have been nicer. 

This is how I can develop as a person.
I also want to develop my fetish play. I want to become more skilled in hypnosis and medical play, and I now have contacts and friendships where I can perhaps learn to perfect and develop these skills. 

I want to be the Mistress to die for. 

This is the path I carve for myself. 

I am and always will be, the ever evolving, Mistress Keyholder.

So, I Start Again

I have no alternative other than to start again. 

Painful as it is to see a daunting void around me and ahead of me, I have to start again. All other doors have been closed to me, and my only way to walk is forward.

It took 7 years for boy to find me. It may be another long 7 years before my final partner for life finds me, but it might happen tomorrow. From day to day we don't know what life will bring. Only one hour before boy left me we had happily been watching a film together. One hour later, BANG! My world is completely changed.

I feel grateful that I know what I need in a partner. I also know that I DO need a partner. I know there has to be a fetish element as a minimum. I would just be kidding myself and wasting time on a 'short term fix' if I were to enter into a vanilla relationship. It would be easy to do it, to relieve the agony of the void, but would only serve to waste my time in finding my true love.

So my search has begun in earnest. I am going to attend every event I can, to make myself known to boys who are seeking their perfect Goddess, and in this process I am making new friends, finding out about new venues and developing my fetish knowledge. I'm building a photographic portfolio of Mistress KeyHolder also. It is a vibrant new chapter for me which I am certain will open new doors. 

I AM Mistres KeyHolder! I am her! This is really quite WOW! 

Someone said this of me;

"You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. You can find yourself gratification in any place you want. You can make boys walk on all fours behind you, just because of your beauty, and can make their hearts melt with a single wink!"

I am also intensely loyal and loving and knowledgeable in my field. I am a rare find. I do know this. So I will seek a boy who can return what I give.

I already have a persona which I have invested over 15 years in. I am very proud of who I am and what I stand for. I am proud of the way I can command a room when I walk in. I am proud to be part of a community of the most friendly, lovely people with whom to mix and develop myself and my new boy when he comes to me. I believe I have skills, but I know I can learn so much more by collaborating with the people who I've already met and will meet in the future.

I don't know how long it will take, but I do know that one day in the future, I will show a photo of my hand over my new boy's hand. That will be how I start a post to tell you I have somone new.

I am excited for that day.

Mistress Keyholder is your dream woman, and I will choose carefully the boy who gets her. If your hand appears under mine in a photo on my blog, you are going to be one VERY lucky boy!

This Doesn't Make Any Sense...

I always knew, from the day he moved into his house across the road from me, that our relationship wouldn't last until we died. I don't know how I knew, but I did.

I always knew this day would come, when we were separated.

But now it's here, I can't believe it either. We argued so much, fell out and always made up again. We always made up again. I would ask if he really wanted us to end, and he'd say, 'you know I don't".

I have thought and thought if I could have done anything different to try and make us successful. But I tried so hard I genuinely can't think of anything else I could have done. 

The fact is, he didn't want to keep trying, and no matter how much I loved him, or kept hopeful for us both, or continued to try, it couldn't make up for him not wanting me. I will never understand this, but sadly, it was true. Only 4 weeks after we ended, he was with someone new. That doesn't happen if he had loved me. I believe from his behaviours that he was working on this before he left, and how he could so coldly deny contact with me after leaving.

He changed. Regular readers here will remember when he found me, how good it was and how he loved me, was proud of me, and wanted to tell the world he was with me. He wanted me to tattoo his whole body with my art, he wanted to write on my blog, and he did the shed video for me, showing his devotion. 

He asked me to mould him, control him, and give him renewed purpose in life, and initially, this was what happened. It was fantastic, and I was so very happy. I would say to him, "Why didn't you find me sooner", and he apologised. He said that each day he wanted to make me happy, and for many months, maybe years, he would ask me each morning, "How can I please you today, Mistress?".

But he changed. He gave me everything, and then gradually took it away.

Our current life was not how we wanted it. Our living situation and holidays apart were not ideal, but we planned retirement in 18 months time. All our relationship we had talked about retirement, planned for it and looked forward to it. We had the perfect life ahead of us.

I don't understand how two people who are so right for each other just couldn't make a relationship work.

Recently, he said to me, "the essential me and the essential you are just not right for each other". If he believed that, then we were destined to fail. 

Sexually, we were so perfect for each other. Right up until the end of our relationship that part of us was vibrant and still evolving new and interesting elements. We had begun to explore my hypnosis of him, the use of audio during play, and had plans to develop videos. 

I just don't understand it.

Read back to here;

When boy loved me..

How, how could such love disappear? He begged me never to leave him - he even wrote it on my blog.. I really, really don't undertsand.

To me, we had something so good it seems ridiculous to throw it away. 

It feels like forever since I was with him. It seems like our relationship was just an amazing dream from which I'm now woken.

But then it also seems so fresh and real. I can imagine as if it were real, my lips on his belly and cocklet and his kiss. 7 years, and so much history between us, I was so proud of what I had, so grateful, and felt so lucky. I really did feel lucky. 

The hard part is that I have had no explanation. Boy just went, and there has been no discussion, no talk, just closed doors, unanswered attempts by me to contact him, blank. He never discussed with me that he wasn't happy and what we could do to make things better, although he did threaten to leave me, which put me in a neervous position for months.

I have been tormenting myself with looking at photos, at reminiscing about sexual things we have done. It hurts, and all I want is to have it back. Not the way we were, but the way we WERE. For him to put me back where I belong, and to worship me. For him to come downstairs naked and kiss my feet under the table where I worked. I so loved him doing that.

In April this year, we were making videos and we were in a very good place. He said to me, if we are still this good at Christmas, I might consider another tattoo... If I could have a wish... I would wish us back to that place.
I know that the things I am doing now, boy would absolutely LOVE. The new venues and equipment. I have been blown away with it all! I even had a ticket to take him with me to an event, as a surprise. But he chose to give all this up, for something, I have no idea what - I have no idea how life gets any better than what we had.

Inside, my inner soul remains, Mistress Keyholder.

The End of my Dream...

My relationship with my boy ended at 9pm October 8th, 2019, after 6 years, 9 months and 8 days.

It is the saddest thing imaginable, and I grieve the loss of what what we had daily. There is a huge gap in my life.

Seeing a way forward is incredibly difficult, impossible right now. I compare everyone to him and no-ne comes even close.

I have tried to imagine a vanilla relationship, as that may be all I can hope to find, but the very thought is so sickening to me. I know after a very short time I would become depressed, yearning again for the chastity dream, as I did many years before meeting boy.

I dream and pray that there may be a small splinter of hope for boy and I, to one day try again.

A life without him is a life only half lived.

I am, and always will be, Mistress KeyHolder.

The Rule of Mistress KeyHolder

What I am about to write here is common sense - I am stating the obvious. However, it is only common sense and obvious to me.

The list isn't exhaustive, but just examples of how my slave should expect to live in my female led relationship. It's not fantasy. It is fact of life. 

Perhaps I should write a book - The Rule of Mistress KeyHolder..

Money
All money earned by slave goes into MKH's account. There is no 'allowance'. Why would a slave want an allowance? What does he need money for? Mistress buys his clothes, food, and covers household bills. There is nothing more he needs. 

Food
It eats a vegetarian diet in line with Mistress's liking, and cleans up immediately after eating. It has no choice over what food is bought and only eats what is available in the house.

Work
It is allowed out of the house to work, and returns home straight from work.

Communications
It is allowed to speak to others in the course of the day for work purposes. It is not allowed to speak to other females for any other reason than is functional. It communicates on a very regular basis with MKH, telling her his whereabouts, thoughts, everything.

Devices/Computers
Mistress has free and accessible use of all devices and slave offers devices at Mistress's whim for inspection.

Privacy
It has none.

Free Time
Free time is spent in the service of Mistress. It is only allowed to do things for it's own personal interest with permission. Permission is not to be expected. It's every moment is to be spent with Mistress. It should want this, if not, it is not a sufficiently devoted slave. Nothing comes before or above Mistress, except children. I always allow children to come before myself.

Pornography
Is not allowed, only unless forced or instructed by MKH.

Body
It's body is kept hairless and shaven at all times. It's body is at the disposal of MKH for piercing, tattooing and any other function MKH sees fit.

General
It lives for Mistress. It says good morning and good night to Mistress as it's first and last waking thought each day, to show it's devotion.
It wouldn't seek to do anything to harm, upset, or displease her in any way whatsoever, and if it inadvertently did, it would do everything in it's power to put right the wrong. 

MKH is always right. What she says is her law.

- - - - - - - - - - - 

Sadly, I have none of this now in my relationship. It is chastity based still, and boy is in continual chastity for me. He still calls me Mistress, but there is nothing left of the control, D/s or any other element of female supremacy that I so desire.
Chastity is all I have left, so I have reverted to the comfort of dreaming of what should be. 
In my head, it is all still there. 
In my head I am Goddess, Queen, above all men. 

I remain, Mistress KeyHolder.

A New Approach

The start of 2018 saw my relationship with my boy hit the lowest low. It culminated in my boy taking back his keys.

Despite both of us doing our best to try and save our relationship, we were doing things which weren't working. We were both so angry and resentful of each other, we couldn't find a way forward. Our lives had become miserable, with continual arguments, conflict and hate. I was incredibly unhappy.

However, despite the unhappiness I felt within our relationship, sat with the keys, I felt even worse. I knew that without my boy, I would be more miserable. I also knew that there had been a time when we had been happy, in the beginning.

After 3 hours with the keys, it was my bedtime. If I went through the night without the keys, I would never take them back, so I asked boy to bring them back for me. He did. He would not have brought them back without my asking. We would have ended that night.

I knew I wanted to keep my boy, and so I began to ponder a different approach to making us better.

We made written commitments to each other on the fundamental issues which upset each of us the most, and we started counting; 1 day - without conflict, to build up something positive. One day really was an achievement!

I had always thought that talking things through was the way to resolve issues, that communication was the answer, but for us, this very rarely worked. I knew that we were treating each other nastily, saying and doing things we never would have done when we were new. I talked to boy about this and made;

Mantra 1 - treat us as if we were new. 
We both practice this daily.

I have to take responsibility for making our relationship last, and to do this, I have to make some changes. That doesn't mean I have been wrong.

I have to accept, my boy does not have a submissive personality. We both often believe we are right in certain situations and we will argue our corner to the death of our relationship. So now, one of my techniques is just not to respond. I find it incredibly hard. But I have in my mind, argue to the death, or just leave it, and that makes it easier. It makes me sound like I am having to be submissive, and in some cases it does feel that way. I should always be right, my boy should accept that I am always right, and he should be the one who backs down. But right now, I am taking responsibility for saving us, and I am taking the lead. 

Mantra 2 - I am above you in every way.

I am teaching boy this new mantra. It is going to be a long, slow process, but I am going to aim to work on infiltrating him with this thought and belief. When I am unresponsive when we could potentially conflict, I know, I am above him as I can see the longer term picture, and this is the reason for my silence.

Mantra 3 - Help me be a better boy, Mistress.

Our relationship is not one which is going to happen naturally, where we are just happy and content. I have to accept that I will always have to work and put effort in to making us be at peace, to maintaining my dominance and his submission. 

This isn't what I expected for us, 5 years down the line, but I have cocklet, locked, and I have been able to be Mistress KeyHolder. 

I won't let go of this easily. We are on day 20 of a new approach. I hope it lasts a lifetime.

A Little Tease...

I am planning to start a clips for sale site, and thought I'd start with a little taster of things to come.

Enjoy this one for free by clicking the text (not the pic).                                                      

Mistress KeyHolder - Teases...

Reminders of his 's' position, in the D/s of us

My boy is an assertive, self-assured man in his daily life and holds a professional   role in his work. He is used to challenging, holding others to account, and taking the lead. This is his natural way, his personality fits well with this. 

He is also, now we are established as a couple, like this with me. I of course, challenge back, and we have clashes and disputes far too often. 

He needs taking down, not just a step, but an entire staircase.

I have devised some ways to remind him of his lowly position beneath me.

He has only had contact with my wearing his black, rubber, eyeless hood. The purpose of this is to remind him he is not worthy of viewing my beauty.

I have taken control of all his passwords again, after relinquishing them - the purpose of this is to show that all his actions are accountable to me.

Cocklet is not allowed entry into Mistress - this place is sacred for the next year, as a minimum standard - the purpose of this is to remind him he is less, and denied.

I am going to come up with 30 slave mantras. He is to recite each one on a daily basis, when he has a moment, through his day, and on waking and going to sleep he will text his daily mantra to me. The purpose of this is to remind him and keep him conscious of his slave position, and his place in our relationship.

I am D... he is s

This is our law.