Difficult Times Lead To A New Focus.

Despite initial appearances of our relationship being perfect, we, like any other couple have our ups and downs. 

Just recently we have had a very serious down. It lead me to a point where I felt I could no longer continue with my boy, and for a short while I left him, with his keys returned.

However, despite our difficulties, I knew I needed him enough to try and mend what had been broken, and after experiencing anger and then grief, I then came to a place where I felt it was possible to rebuild. We have both worked very hard at that.

The problem involved a rule I had made that had been broken, a number of times and of course, covered up to hide it from me. The detail isn't relevant, but what was significant was that I realised my rules were not sacred. They could be broken without my knowing, many times over. 

Rules, were no longer the way to dominate and control my boy.

Initially I felt there was no hope for the future because I based my control on rule and trust. With that gone I had nothing left.

But then, gradually, a new way of controlling him came into my head, from out of nowhere. 

It was clear, that with trust there is always chance for infallibility. He came to me for my control, and I was failing to give it. He proved a rule could be broken easier than snapping a twig. It was not control. And if I provided twigs to be snapped... 

(The truth is, he like anyone suffers from human nature. It is why we have a harsh metal cage encasing his cocklet, because he needs it there. He cannot be trusted with his freedom.)

So I have had a bonfire and there will be no more twigs. I will instead make requests. They will be there for him to respect or not, out of his own choice. He will know my preference, and that is as far as I can go with that.

I started fantasising about financially controlling him. Making him pay me for things. He could not escape that, and I would make it so the things he was paying for, he was begging to pay me. Once the money has left him, he can't reclaim it. That control suddenly became very much more real than a rule. I could really make him suffer, make him poor, cripple him financially. But all by his own doing.. because he would have begged to have paid me. He would be responsible for his own demise.

In the process of him breaking twigs, I feel that I have lost my standing in many respects with him. That is how I feel. I feel I need to rebuild the pedestal on which I once stood. So I am going to limit the physical contact he is allowed with me. His lips may not touch any part of my body other than my hand of my foot without him asking consent. There will of course be a fee involved in his asking for permission.

Instead of kissing me, he will crave to kiss me, to earn the opportunity to pay for a kiss. 

I tell you all this, because life isn't perfect and I don't want to pretend it is for us. We have both suffered these past weeks. 

But we both believe we have something worth working at, and so this new chapter of control begins.