Life is a funny old thing. It never ceases to amaze me..
I had wanted a child for 17 years. I had tried, and tried. Gone to every expert I could find, explored every possibility, and refused to give in to the hopeless condition of unexplained infertilitly...when both are quite fertile, but for some unknown reason, a child is never conceived...17 years..
Eventually, weariness combined with despair led my mind, my heart and my soul to give up hope. I sold all the things I had saved either from my own childhood, or had purchased in hope... and gave up.
I apologised in my mind to the baby I didn't have... for not being able to reach her... and I grieved. Giving up hope began a process of grief - I felt I was a mother to a child I did not know and couldn't find....
And I began to be ill. As well as being sad and grieving I felt ill.. physically sick and unwell. It got to the point that I knew something was wrong with me.. and I needed to see a doctor.
I had a feeling that if I said I was feeling physically sick each day, he may suggest I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't, so I did a test on Sunday night, planning to take the results to the doctor with me the next day.
I put the tester stick on the windowsill and didn't even wait the minute for the results.. I knew them. I just left it there ready for the doctor the next morning.
Can you just imagine how I felt when I went back to the bathroom later that evening and saw the pregnancy test and it said positive?
8 years on and my elation has never worn off.
So what relevance does this story have to my chastity blog?
You will remember that in November last year I wrote that I had given up my search. I was weary and felt that the heartache of continual searching was having a negative effect on me rather than offering any glimmer of hope.
In my mind and my heart and my soul, I gave up.
Since then I have had a few very genuine, heartfelt emails. One in particular caught my attention. The way he talked of his need for chastity, his struggle with it, the way it had effected his life struck such a chord with me, that by the time I had read to the end of his message, I was sat with my head in my hands and a tear in my eye, because I felt his pain. It was real and true and in direct contrast to mine.
More significantly, he lived not too far from me, and he already had a secure chastity device, and he offered to lock himself in it for a month to prove himself to me....and provide me with a daily report.
So, we continued talking, and learning about each other.. and he remained locked up...
At the exact point when I gave up hope....
I am reminded..
That life is a funny old thing.
I had wanted a child for 17 years. I had tried, and tried. Gone to every expert I could find, explored every possibility, and refused to give in to the hopeless condition of unexplained infertilitly...when both are quite fertile, but for some unknown reason, a child is never conceived...17 years..
Eventually, weariness combined with despair led my mind, my heart and my soul to give up hope. I sold all the things I had saved either from my own childhood, or had purchased in hope... and gave up.
I apologised in my mind to the baby I didn't have... for not being able to reach her... and I grieved. Giving up hope began a process of grief - I felt I was a mother to a child I did not know and couldn't find....
And I began to be ill. As well as being sad and grieving I felt ill.. physically sick and unwell. It got to the point that I knew something was wrong with me.. and I needed to see a doctor.
I had a feeling that if I said I was feeling physically sick each day, he may suggest I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't, so I did a test on Sunday night, planning to take the results to the doctor with me the next day.
I put the tester stick on the windowsill and didn't even wait the minute for the results.. I knew them. I just left it there ready for the doctor the next morning.
Can you just imagine how I felt when I went back to the bathroom later that evening and saw the pregnancy test and it said positive?
8 years on and my elation has never worn off.
So what relevance does this story have to my chastity blog?
You will remember that in November last year I wrote that I had given up my search. I was weary and felt that the heartache of continual searching was having a negative effect on me rather than offering any glimmer of hope.
In my mind and my heart and my soul, I gave up.
Since then I have had a few very genuine, heartfelt emails. One in particular caught my attention. The way he talked of his need for chastity, his struggle with it, the way it had effected his life struck such a chord with me, that by the time I had read to the end of his message, I was sat with my head in my hands and a tear in my eye, because I felt his pain. It was real and true and in direct contrast to mine.
More significantly, he lived not too far from me, and he already had a secure chastity device, and he offered to lock himself in it for a month to prove himself to me....and provide me with a daily report.
So, we continued talking, and learning about each other.. and he remained locked up...
At the exact point when I gave up hope....
I am reminded..
That life is a funny old thing.
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