KH_inmydreams - Again

19th September 2022

Today was the funeral of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. I, along with millions of others, watched the state funeral and stood to observe Her final journey from Westminster. I shed tears both for Her Majesty but also for my own mourning.

It is one year to the day since my boy, Daddy as he was later renamed, gathered his belongings and left my/our home. It has taken me all this time to be able to write about it and the year that has passed since.

For the first 6 months, we tried, although living separately, we tried to stay together, one of us trying and then the other, but at the 6 month mark, I realised something was very wrong and our communications ended with us both saying we loved each other and our final text message being a reciprocated kiss. It was only a few weeks later that I found out he was living with somebody else.

The pain of this was almost more than I could bear. Suffocating. It was as if our roles were swapped and he held the plastic bag over my head.

It has been a year of trauma. I am still traumatised and in a state of shock. My tummy still hurts. Every single morning I wake I still can't believe that he won't be there next to me. I just can't comprehend that the man who devoted himself so commitedly could leave me without any discussion, explanation or care for my feelings. It was as if I had never even existed.

For the past 6 months I have waited, hanging on our last messages of love to each other, for him to return. I will get criticised, I'm sure, by my followers for not being a strong, dominant woman and for allowing him to do this to me when I should have just got rid a long time ago, but true love does something to alter that. I couldn't just give up on the love of my life. This was how I saw him - the Love of my Life.

He gave me the dream that I only tentatively believed I might experience in my lifetime. I couldn't just give up on 9 years of investment, of the future we'd planned and talked about for so long, of the intense connection I had with him, and I thought he had with me. On his family which I called mine and of our vanilla life, again I became part of his world because I chose to, because I loved it, and it suited me so well.

So every single day I waited for a text, a phone call, a visit. And every day I became more and more disheartened and disappointed. Time wasn't healing. Time was taking me deeper and deeper into a state of sadness because I really did think he would one day come back to me, and I would have accepted him, and made us recover.

I still can't believe it. I can't believe he gave up on us, that he chose someone else over me. We had it all. Our vanilla life and our behind the scenes life could have been the absolute best, but it wasn't to be, for a reason I will never understand. We lost the dream.

So, as I wept for the death of our Queen, I also grieved the death of my love. To carry on living with hope was too painful, and the downward spiral was heading to a place which was not going to end well. I was struggling with depression more and more, and it got worse with each day.

My only option is to attempt to move on. This is what I have to do to save me. 

He asked me once, in our very beginning days, never to leave him. I made a commitment that I wouldn't. When I had him tattooed, I again committed to stay with him for life. It was my 'marriage' vow. I have done my best to honour that for over 180 long and difficult days, but I cannot stay with him when he is no longer here.

When I first began my search for what I thought was the impossible, a life long chastity based relationship, I called myself KH_inmydreams. It was just a dream. I'm in that same place again. Back at the beginning of what might be a very long search for the man of my dreams. 

I have tried looking on vanilla dating sites. A fetish relationship felt a sickening and pointless aim. I just couldn't bring myself to be open to such tragic failure again. But vanilla men just do not appeal to me. It is like asking me to date a woman. There is nothing there at all for me. No feeling, nothing. So I am Mistress Keyholder, looking for her dream man. 

I am as I have always been - demanding, exacting, obsessive and intensely loyal and loving. Whoever gets me will get, as Daddy called me, the woman of their dreams.

To be crushed and abandoned has been the worst experience of my life. I do not say that lightly. This really has been the most emotionally difficult thing that has ever happened to me, inflicted by the man I loved and trusted the most.

I have learnt a number of things from the past decade, one being - expect the unexpected. 

I spoke to a submissive man recently. He gave me hope that there are others out there. Genuine men who want to be dominated and live in a relationship of female control.

I seek my new love. I am open to my new submissive coming into my life. I look forward to a new and loving relationship where I am truly valued, respected and loved for the supreme being that I am.

Darling new boy, please don't take long to find me. I AM WAITING FOR YOU.

A Horrible Cycle

After boy left me in October last year, he came back. I wasn't ever going to give up hope that one day he would. I was prepared to wait for the rest of forever for him.

But, I think most break-ups go through the same process. Break-up, try again, finish. Sometimes there may be another try again... 

I had 14 weeks with boy back in my life, and it felt SO nice. So very, very nice. He put so much effort into us and I felt so loved and special. It was perfect. We went out to events and did all the things we had always talked about. We were living the dream.

But eventually, the things he had done to me previously, which we hadn't really discussed, began to eat me up. The jealousy and anger and feelings of betrayal grew in me, until one day, I blew them all out. Boy had similar feelings of anger at the things I had done to him. At the end of the evening, we were separate again.

It has been just over a month since he went.

I have tried to get him back. 

I have been in an unbearable place, but boy has given up on us. I don't believe he has any more to give me. 

Trying to live with needing him is too hard. I have come to reliase the only way I can try and get through this is to try and block thoughts of him, forget, and to recognise that he doesn't want me any more.

I have removed things from my sight, my memories which I held so dear. I try so hard to avoid seeing him becasue we live so close, but by the strangest quirks of fate, most times I leave my house I see him. I have no idea why, how.. and it hurts me so much to see that he still exists and is apart from me. My boy, that was.

I have to admit, that this break up, this time, was my fault entirely. It really was. But last time, it was his fault entirely. 

I find it hard to comprehend why two people so well matched just couldn't sychronise and make a relationship work. We had everything going for us, but between us, we destroyed it all.

I can't do anything now. I can't keep trying. There is no point. He tried, I tried. Why couldn't we both try in harmony?

I am just me. On my own. I have lost my spark. I have lost what makes me glow. I have lost my love.

Today it would have been a special day for us. It is one year until we had planned to retire together and live all the things we had planned for the past 7 years.

Now I look into my future and it is empty. 

Reflecting, and Learning.

Talking to friends recently has made me think about my relationship with boy.

I've been made aware of things about him which I didn't appreciate or notice, qualities in him which I saw past and took for granted...

He never looked at other women when we were together. His eye never wandered and I never felt threatened by his lack of interest in me. I noticed this from our very first meeting, and it never changed. His eye was always on me.

This, and lots of other things were special about him.

One friend told me, "you can't get him back now, he's gone and you can't do anything about it, but you can learn from it and make your next relationship better as a result." I thought these were wise words and that I would act on them.

My friend said, even though I rated my relationship 9 out of 10, boy clearly didn't or he wouldn't have gone. So what was it that was going wrong that I could have done better?

I pondered on this and it was a really significant question. I had thought that I hadn't done anything wrong, but actually I had. There were many things, and this was an upsetting process to go through - admitting fault.

I don't think correcting any of these faults would have stopped the break up, but they will help me be a better Mistress to my next boy, and so I did this process to improve myself. It doesn't take away from the fact that boy also did things wrong - we both did, but I can only be accountable for myself.

I said to my friend, he should have told me he was unhappy - my friend said, no, you should have sensed he was unhappy. I need to be more attuned and responsive to the needs and feelings of my new boy.

I didn't keep a tidy house at all. It wasn't a pleasant place to be. While we could have done something about this together, I could have been more instrumental in initiating change. I have taken heed of this and have started a house overhaul. Bags have been going in the bin and to the charity shop and I will create a haven for my next boy to come home to. Together we will keep it tidy.

Boy was actually a good boy. I never made him feel this way. I always found fault and picked at the smallest inadequacy. It made him feel misterable instead of celebrated. I did often tell him he looked nice though. 

There are other things, but these are some of the main ones. 

This refection makes it sound like I was all to blame, and a bad person. I don't feel that way at all. I equally did a lot of nice things, but I could have been nicer. 

This is how I can develop as a person.
I also want to develop my fetish play. I want to become more skilled in hypnosis and medical play, and I now have contacts and friendships where I can perhaps learn to perfect and develop these skills. 

I want to be the Mistress to die for. 

This is the path I carve for myself. 

I am and always will be, the ever evolving, Mistress Keyholder.

So, I Start Again

I have no alternative other than to start again. 

Painful as it is to see a daunting void around me and ahead of me, I have to start again. All other doors have been closed to me, and my only way to walk is forward.

It took 7 years for boy to find me. It may be another long 7 years before my final partner for life finds me, but it might happen tomorrow. From day to day we don't know what life will bring. Only one hour before boy left me we had happily been watching a film together. One hour later, BANG! My world is completely changed.

I feel grateful that I know what I need in a partner. I also know that I DO need a partner. I know there has to be a fetish element as a minimum. I would just be kidding myself and wasting time on a 'short term fix' if I were to enter into a vanilla relationship. It would be easy to do it, to relieve the agony of the void, but would only serve to waste my time in finding my true love.

So my search has begun in earnest. I am going to attend every event I can, to make myself known to boys who are seeking their perfect Goddess, and in this process I am making new friends, finding out about new venues and developing my fetish knowledge. I'm building a photographic portfolio of Mistress KeyHolder also. It is a vibrant new chapter for me which I am certain will open new doors. 

I AM Mistres KeyHolder! I am her! This is really quite WOW! 

Someone said this of me;

"You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. You can find yourself gratification in any place you want. You can make boys walk on all fours behind you, just because of your beauty, and can make their hearts melt with a single wink!"

I am also intensely loyal and loving and knowledgeable in my field. I am a rare find. I do know this. So I will seek a boy who can return what I give.

I already have a persona which I have invested over 15 years in. I am very proud of who I am and what I stand for. I am proud of the way I can command a room when I walk in. I am proud to be part of a community of the most friendly, lovely people with whom to mix and develop myself and my new boy when he comes to me. I believe I have skills, but I know I can learn so much more by collaborating with the people who I've already met and will meet in the future.

I don't know how long it will take, but I do know that one day in the future, I will show a photo of my hand over my new boy's hand. That will be how I start a post to tell you I have somone new.

I am excited for that day.

Mistress Keyholder is your dream woman, and I will choose carefully the boy who gets her. If your hand appears under mine in a photo on my blog, you are going to be one VERY lucky boy!

This Doesn't Make Any Sense...

I always knew, from the day he moved into his house across the road from me, that our relationship wouldn't last until we died. I don't know how I knew, but I did.

I always knew this day would come, when we were separated.

But now it's here, I can't believe it either. We argued so much, fell out and always made up again. We always made up again. I would ask if he really wanted us to end, and he'd say, 'you know I don't".

I have thought and thought if I could have done anything different to try and make us successful. But I tried so hard I genuinely can't think of anything else I could have done. 

The fact is, he didn't want to keep trying, and no matter how much I loved him, or kept hopeful for us both, or continued to try, it couldn't make up for him not wanting me. I will never understand this, but sadly, it was true. Only 4 weeks after we ended, he was with someone new. That doesn't happen if he had loved me. I believe from his behaviours that he was working on this before he left, and how he could so coldly deny contact with me after leaving.

He changed. Regular readers here will remember when he found me, how good it was and how he loved me, was proud of me, and wanted to tell the world he was with me. He wanted me to tattoo his whole body with my art, he wanted to write on my blog, and he did the shed video for me, showing his devotion. 

He asked me to mould him, control him, and give him renewed purpose in life, and initially, this was what happened. It was fantastic, and I was so very happy. I would say to him, "Why didn't you find me sooner", and he apologised. He said that each day he wanted to make me happy, and for many months, maybe years, he would ask me each morning, "How can I please you today, Mistress?".

But he changed. He gave me everything, and then gradually took it away.

Our current life was not how we wanted it. Our living situation and holidays apart were not ideal, but we planned retirement in 18 months time. All our relationship we had talked about retirement, planned for it and looked forward to it. We had the perfect life ahead of us.

I don't understand how two people who are so right for each other just couldn't make a relationship work.

Recently, he said to me, "the essential me and the essential you are just not right for each other". If he believed that, then we were destined to fail. 

Sexually, we were so perfect for each other. Right up until the end of our relationship that part of us was vibrant and still evolving new and interesting elements. We had begun to explore my hypnosis of him, the use of audio during play, and had plans to develop videos. 

I just don't understand it.

Read back to here;

When boy loved me..

How, how could such love disappear? He begged me never to leave him - he even wrote it on my blog.. I really, really don't undertsand.

To me, we had something so good it seems ridiculous to throw it away. 

It feels like forever since I was with him. It seems like our relationship was just an amazing dream from which I'm now woken.

But then it also seems so fresh and real. I can imagine as if it were real, my lips on his belly and cocklet and his kiss. 7 years, and so much history between us, I was so proud of what I had, so grateful, and felt so lucky. I really did feel lucky. 

The hard part is that I have had no explanation. Boy just went, and there has been no discussion, no talk, just closed doors, unanswered attempts by me to contact him, blank. He never discussed with me that he wasn't happy and what we could do to make things better, although he did threaten to leave me, which put me in a neervous position for months.

I have been tormenting myself with looking at photos, at reminiscing about sexual things we have done. It hurts, and all I want is to have it back. Not the way we were, but the way we WERE. For him to put me back where I belong, and to worship me. For him to come downstairs naked and kiss my feet under the table where I worked. I so loved him doing that.

In April this year, we were making videos and we were in a very good place. He said to me, if we are still this good at Christmas, I might consider another tattoo... If I could have a wish... I would wish us back to that place.
I know that the things I am doing now, boy would absolutely LOVE. The new venues and equipment. I have been blown away with it all! I even had a ticket to take him with me to an event, as a surprise. But he chose to give all this up, for something, I have no idea what - I have no idea how life gets any better than what we had.

Inside, my inner soul remains, Mistress Keyholder.

The End of my Dream...

My relationship with my boy ended at 9pm October 8th, 2019, after 6 years, 9 months and 8 days.

It is the saddest thing imaginable, and I grieve the loss of what what we had daily. There is a huge gap in my life.

Seeing a way forward is incredibly difficult, impossible right now. I compare everyone to him and no-ne comes even close.

I have tried to imagine a vanilla relationship, as that may be all I can hope to find, but the very thought is so sickening to me. I know after a very short time I would become depressed, yearning again for the chastity dream, as I did many years before meeting boy.

I dream and pray that there may be a small splinter of hope for boy and I, to one day try again.

A life without him is a life only half lived.

I am, and always will be, Mistress KeyHolder.

The Rule of Mistress KeyHolder

What I am about to write here is common sense - I am stating the obvious. However, it is only common sense and obvious to me.

The list isn't exhaustive, but just examples of how my slave should expect to live in my female led relationship. It's not fantasy. It is fact of life. 

Perhaps I should write a book - The Rule of Mistress KeyHolder..

Money
All money earned by slave goes into MKH's account. There is no 'allowance'. Why would a slave want an allowance? What does he need money for? Mistress buys his clothes, food, and covers household bills. There is nothing more he needs. 

Food
It eats a vegetarian diet in line with Mistress's liking, and cleans up immediately after eating. It has no choice over what food is bought and only eats what is available in the house.

Work
It is allowed out of the house to work, and returns home straight from work.

Communications
It is allowed to speak to others in the course of the day for work purposes. It is not allowed to speak to other females for any other reason than is functional. It communicates on a very regular basis with MKH, telling her his whereabouts, thoughts, everything.

Devices/Computers
Mistress has free and accessible use of all devices and slave offers devices at Mistress's whim for inspection.

Privacy
It has none.

Free Time
Free time is spent in the service of Mistress. It is only allowed to do things for it's own personal interest with permission. Permission is not to be expected. It's every moment is to be spent with Mistress. It should want this, if not, it is not a sufficiently devoted slave. Nothing comes before or above Mistress, except children. I always allow children to come before myself.

Pornography
Is not allowed, only unless forced or instructed by MKH.

Body
It's body is kept hairless and shaven at all times. It's body is at the disposal of MKH for piercing, tattooing and any other function MKH sees fit.

General
It lives for Mistress. It says good morning and good night to Mistress as it's first and last waking thought each day, to show it's devotion.
It wouldn't seek to do anything to harm, upset, or displease her in any way whatsoever, and if it inadvertently did, it would do everything in it's power to put right the wrong. 

MKH is always right. What she says is her law.

- - - - - - - - - - - 

Sadly, I have none of this now in my relationship. It is chastity based still, and boy is in continual chastity for me. He still calls me Mistress, but there is nothing left of the control, D/s or any other element of female supremacy that I so desire.
Chastity is all I have left, so I have reverted to the comfort of dreaming of what should be. 
In my head, it is all still there. 
In my head I am Goddess, Queen, above all men. 

I remain, Mistress KeyHolder.