So Difficult It Hurts..

Difficult.. I truly am a difficult woman. 

I'm not especially proud of it, but I am very aware of it. It's who I am and what makes me different to everyone else, and although I find it difficult myself some of the time, I really wouldn't change it.

Difficult - in what way?

I am demanding. I mean..DEMANDING! If you are my boy, you need to be there, obsessing about me every minute, every second, every day. And if it wanes over time, I am not understanding. As I see it, my standards have not been met and you are failing me. You are not quite good enough, not quite attentive enough, not quite what I want. Texting is a contact I expect with unending devotion. 1 year on, 5 years on, I expect exactly the same, in fact, I expect it intensified, and if it is not, I am disappointed.

Who could maintain such an exhaustive schedule?

Openness. I expect it as af you had been cut with a blade down the front of your torso and opened apart. Fully and completely exposed so there is nothing, not even your blood and guts to hide from me. And you even make that incision. You are so desperate to show yourself to me, you tear yourself apart and say, "Gorge your beautiful eyes upon my entire being Mistress KeyHolder. Feast yourself on my soul and I will remain as open to you in a year as I present to you today."

Who would cut themselves to the core for me?

Service. Service is a duty which I expect to be continually offered to me until it almost becomes a nuisance. Service in the form of doing everything possible, going out of your way, exerting yourself when you really don't want to, just to please me. Being hungry for it and continually seeking ways to better serve my needs, make another moment in my life happier. 

Who would offer such slavery?

There isn't such a man.

But, part of me knows, if there is me who desires such, there is the opposing half who desires to give it.

I know there is such a man and I know I need him.

Boy is Labelled for Life

I think it's about time I did an update here.

Most importantly, boy and I are still together. As my blog has documented, we have had, but also survived, some difficult times.

We still have conflict, differences, disagreements and issues, but on the whole we are strong and happy and we are getting better at resolving our problems.

What I am about to tell you, happened 15 months ago, but I didn't feel suitably placed to share the news then.

Now I do.

On 20th May, 2016,10am, I initiated my boy into permanently labelled status. He had always asked and wanted to be tattooed by me, but I waited until I felt we were strong enough for such a commitment to be made. 

It was perhaps a year or more later than boy would have liked, and ironically, we had our most severe fall out the month after this branding.

There are times he has wished it away. 

He has never really been proud of it to me, or glad of it. But I am incredibly proud of it, and pleased with it. It perhaps now means more to me than him. He feels trapped and hindered by it when we argue and our relationship is under threat.

But I love it.

I know you would like to see, a beautifully chastised, tattooed boy.

He didn't know what was going to be tattooed on him when I took him there. All he knew was where he was going. He didn't know my initials would be there. 

But you have to admit, it is a thing of beauty isn't it?

Foot Worship Video

My lucky slave gets to worship his Mistress's feet...

Dining with Goddess

The meal went well. He behaved and we had a lovely time.

On returning home though, it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad...we just had some minor difficulties..

I am awake, at 3am, thinking...

But my overriding feeling relates to the photo on my previous post. 

I'll show you again...

My god,... don't you just think this gimp is gorgeous?

his facelessness; the way he touched my feet; the way he was ready there waiting when I told him to be; the way he followed my lead on all fours; his body - I love his body, it's paleness, thinness, hairlessness (although I do need to remind him to maintain this to perfection); the smoothness of the rubber covering his head..
No matter how we struggle sometimes, this is what counts. 

This faceless gimp is all mine. He belongs to me. 

And best of all is the bit you don't see. The metal device is resting between his legs. 

It is real and is what I obsess about still now.

x

D/s

As I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to spend most of my time with my boy in the formal setting of the D/s relationship. The purpose of this being to reset our positions and to minimise conflict, in the short term at least, until we build our bond again.

So, this evening, I text him and told him to be ready for me in ten minutes time, naked except for his hood and collar.

When I climb the stairs and open the door to his room, it takes my breath away every time to see my gimp knelt there waiting dutifully for me.

Today I allowed him to massage my feet with scented oil. I luxuriated in his firm touch and felt happy in my place as worshipped Goddess.

I did reward him. I massaged his swollen, deep red (almost purple) balls with the oil and penetrated him with my fingers. Cocklet isn't coming out for at least 21 days. He has to serve me with 21 days of good behaviour. We are not aiming for very good or excellent yet. I feel we are far from that.

But this is good. I have found a way at last to bring us back together and fix the rifts had had started developing between us.

Tomorrow, I may allow him to take me out of tea. He will need to be very careful of his actions and verbalisations to me. Of his eye contact and manner with other people we come into contact with. I expect him to be on his best behaviour if he is to dine with a Goddess.

Long Term D/s Relationship - Repairs/Maintainance.

I have just got back from a week away. It has been a very valuable time of contemplation for me. I realised that my relationship with my boy wasn't just going through difficult times, but that it was actually making me unhappy, most of the time. The reason for this was that Mistress Keyholder was lost - but being lost was quite a complex issue...

This was partly due to lack of time and other commitments coming in the way, but it was also due to another factor. Something else was at play that, while living it, I couldn't quite put my finger on how to resolve it. I knew there was a problem and tried my very best to address it, but none of my efforts were working.

I haven't felt up to sharing this with you, even though I know it is important to share the difficulties of a D/s lifestyle as well as sharing the good bits. It helps with understanding the full picture and the complexities of such a lifestyle. But when it wasn't working well and I really felt like I/us were failing, it was very hard to document it, especially as it was more than probable that such writings would have a negative impact on us.

Living, as we do, very closely and with children in our lives, it isn't easy to remain the D/s couple at all times. Also, after being together over 3 years now, the newness and honeymoon excitement have been and gone and we are left with a more mundane life of working and living with bits of kink thrown in when time allows. Saying this though, Mistress KeyHolder is in my blood. She expects high standards and is demanding and pedantic (my boy criticises me for being such, but doesn't realise that I don't take this as a criticism - I take this as a very true description of my personality that I don't wish to change, and quite the opposite, find it a good Mistress quality and is what makes me me).

So, with such high standards and pernicketyness still present, even when our D/s dynamic is repressed for some reason, I find fault very easily. If my boy isn't behaving as I expect, I become cross, disappointed and sometimes so unforgiving that I find myself distanced and unable to communicate. 

I have tried talking problems through with my boy, but he finds such criticism difficult to deal with and either blames me or gets angry. This anger in turn alienates me and we end up like any other bickering, vanilla couple. I really was quite unhappy.

I knew the answer was to be me. To be Queen and Goddess and to expect only the best. But my boy had also fallen from his place of submission and didn't want to give me this. I tried setting rules, making him read them regularly; removing myself from him - hoping he would pine for me; talking things through..ultimately, nothing worked and things got worse and worse.

While I was on holiday, I thought still harder on solutions. Finding someone to share my fetish with has not been easy and has taken years. I really don't want to throw away what I have found, even when it gets incredibly difficult and all hope seems lost, however, I DO have standards. My standards had become so disrespected that I felt abused; fragile in keeping things held together and in many ways, I felt I was the one being dominated. The relationship was not one I wanted to be in.

I have one last card left to play - one last idea to pull our relationship back to where it once was. A place where I felt like I was the luckiest, happiest woman in the whole world.

I am bringing back Mistress Keyholder and taking away the vanilla me, short term, but to put us back in a place where we are both happier.
He is seeing me only as Mistress. I am giving him only Mistress. He is presenting himself only as slave, as gimp, as my worshipper. He is no longer permitted to kiss my lips, to touch me without permission or to see me in vanilla    circumstances. I am also changing his chastity conditions. Instead of being completely denied, I am now giving him monthly milking/ruined orgasms in-between complete lock down. I touch him only with rubbered hands. 

I am hoping that this will take us back to a place where he sees me for who I am, and who he is, and that when this is achieved, I can get back all the respects and submissions I need, demand and deserve.

If I can't be worshipped, adored and submitted to completely and wholley then he does not deserve to be at the feet of a Goddess. 

Finding me..

I was thinking today, that I have lost Mistress Keyholder a bit. I have definitely not stopped being her - it is who I am, how I was made, and can't be diminished or taken away, even if I wished to. But circumstances, daily life and pressures of living have distracted me from my obsession and have taken me somewhere where I don't really care to be.

So, I decided to focus a little more time on me. On re-establishing Mistress Keyholder in my mind and on my blog - some investment in myself.

I began with a search on the internet - "Chastity for men". Chastity. A word I typed into search engines in the earlier days of the internet, over and over and over, reading every single scrap of information I could find, and in those days there was very little, mainly on Catholic or other religious reasons for chastity.

The first link I clicked on was this; (A gay man's experience of 3 days being locked, but interesting nonetheless).

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-moylan/three-days-of-torture_b_2295045.html

The second link I clicked on; (Oh my.. just looking at all these devices.. mmmmmmmmmmm - big time!)

http://www.chastitytrophy.com/en/index.asp

and finally;

http://behindbarz.co.uk.

It was like RED HOT porn to me. Reading about and looking at chastity does something to me that sex simply does not. It doesn't even come close. These few minutes of time taken out for my self indulgence reminded me of my utter obsession with chastity; that this is not something I contrive - it is the core of who I am; of how incredibly sexy chastity control is and how it physically drives my passion.

Welcome back Mistress Keyholder.