2023 - A New Me

It is nine and a half months since I heard from Daddy. In that time, even though I knew he had another partner I still hoped, and really expected, that he'd come back to me. He always has done. He had always needed me more.

While I had been hopeful of finding a new partner in the back of my mind I expected Daddy to return, so it wasn't really urgent for me to look and in truth I never thought I'd find anyone to compare with him.

I have reflected a lot over the past few days. Daddy clearly found a Mistress who he thought was better than me. If he can find someone better than me (better than perfection), then I can certainly find someone better than him. A man like him but who can be honest and loyal as well.

It may take me a long time to find him, but I have made the resolution for 2023 to actively search for a new submissive to be my lifetime partner and live under my rule. There has been an important change in my mind. I now believe he exists, and if he exists there is the chance that he will find me. 

I need to be active and 'out there' though. I can't just sit and expect him to magically know where I am and that I'm looking. So I am putting adverts out and getting word out there with new enthusiasm. If you know of a good place for me to put an advert, please let me know.

What changed me? I saw a photo on Twitter, (which I can't re-find to share with you I'm afraid), of a rubber gimp on his knees with his arms wrapped around the thighs of his Mistress. It was so beautiful an image. There is absolutely no reason why I can't find that again.

I am la creme de la creme in the world of chastity key holding and there will be a man who needs me and can be the submissive I so desperately need. A vanilla man is never going to excite me in the way a man wearing chastity does.

So, the search begins in earnest. 

I need - chastity obsessed, tall, fit, preferably hairless and able to relocate. I add to this list, honest. I will not accept another liar.

I look forward to hearing from you (Twitter DM or email me) and one day writing here that I have found my dream... 

I am and always will be, Mistress Keyholder.

End of Year Review - 2022

As 2022 comes to a close, I am drawn to reflect on the past year.

It has been a terrible year for me. 

In March I received what I now know was a final visit and a final text message from the love of my life, before he finally turned his back on me for a new life with a new woman, something I had no inclination about until many weeks after, when a chance discovery revealed all to me.

I thought that time would heal, but 9 months on and I am in just the same pain. It has been a bereavement and healing has not been the quick process I had anticipated. The situation is so unbelievable that I am still in a place of shock. I haven't even processed properly what has happened yet. It still seems incomprehensible. Yet every morning I wake and he isn't there.

I have tried so hard to move on but my heart just doesn't want to, even though I am desperately lonely and unsuited to being single. I feel I'm betraying him if I even start to consider myself with someone new. It's quite a bizarre place to be considering the power exchange between us. 

But I try and trust in the natural order of things. I try to believe that when I'm ready, the right person will come into my life. 

I have had fetish dates, vanilla dates, but nothing is inspiring me. I have felt hopeful and I have given up hope, but it doesn't alter that I attract little in to my life. 

It is a void, an empty space waiting to be filled, but not yet, for a reason which is beyond me.

I fluctuate between feeling sad, lost, despairing, hopeless. I never feel happy. There is a constant dull awareness of loss within me. It never goes away. I might smile, but beneath that smile there isn't a genuine feeling of joy. It's just a formality of pushing my facial muscles into a position that makes a smile, for the sake of habit or expectation. There is no smile in my heart.

I've always known this, but I know it from experience now, that I find it difficult to make new relationships. I can talk to people, I can be the power in a room and exude confidence, but making a genuine, loving connection is ring fenced from me. I am intensely protective of 'me'. I share my love and emotional self only rarely, with select persons only. When I do make that connection I give my all to it. It becomes everything that I am, but doing it in the first place is so rare it has happened maybe only 2 or 3 times in my life.

I do genuinely wonder if I will ever kiss a man again. To grant another man the permission to grace his lips upon mine is an exquisite gift that I give only with great consideration, but once given and chemistry has happened, then my world becomes changed. My aura lifts to a higher plane, and I become a person again, rather than just an existee on this planet.

I'm aggrieved to say that I have wasted a lot of this year, waiting, hoping, genuinely just sitting thinking that he will come back as he always has done in the past. But he walked out of my life in the same sudden and unexpected way that he walked into it. An enigma, just gone without any rationale, discussion or explanation. 

I vow to make next year a little bit more worthwhile for me, even though this is a battle, a forced action that I have to concentrate on in order to accomplish.

So where is Mistress Keyholder in all of this? She has taken a real battering. She has been crushed to a powdered form which no dominant woman should ever have to experience, but it happened. This thing happened to me and I have to live with that.

I really don't believe I will ever find the gold-dust that I had with my boy. It isn't possible to have that 'first ever', ever again. But I am grateful for some moments that I was able to live the dream, where I thought a future could exist where I was in complete bliss for the rest of my life. I have been in that heady place of perfection. I have to be thankful for that.

I would dearly love to find that again, a chastity based female led relationship, but I know I'm looking for the needle in the haystack. I don't expect to find another.

So I seek peace and finding a partner with similar interests with whom to share life. If chastity is part of that, bonus, but I don't expect to find a second nugget as I swirl through the water of life.

I will keep you updated on my search for happiness in a sparse landscape of genuine femdom participants.

I wish you, my readers happiness and fulfilment in your own personal journey's. 

Somewhere, I am, Mistress Keyholder.

Video Content Creator Needed

You will know that I already have some video content. There is a small amount on YouTube, some on OnlyFans and some also on I Want Clips.

I need to be Mistress KeyHolder again and one way I can do this is by creating video content.

My head is full of ideas, from hypnosis style spirals with repeated instructions to POV slow tease clips. 

I'm looking for someone with video content creation skills to work with me to create these, as a submissive duty to me. I have the cameras, computer and video editing software. I just need someone with the skills to help me turn my ideas into content. I'm happy for you to work in my home. 

It would also be useful to have audio editing skills with a programme such as Audacity.

The best way to apply is by direct message to my Twitter. I am most active there. I will also accept messages though message on Only Fans and my email - MistressKeyh@hotmail.co.uk although I don't look there often so you may not get an immediate reply.

If you have ideas of your own I am happy for you to share your creative style with me.

Feel free to ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and working with the successful applicant.

KH_inmydreams - Again

19th September 2022

Today was the funeral of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. I, along with millions of others, watched the state funeral and stood to observe Her final journey from Westminster. I shed tears both for Her Majesty but also for my own mourning.

It is one year to the day since my boy, Daddy as he was later renamed, gathered his belongings and left my/our home. It has taken me all this time to be able to write about it and the year that has passed since.

For the first 6 months, we tried, although living separately, we tried to stay together, one of us trying and then the other, but at the 6 month mark, I realised something was very wrong and our communications ended with us both saying we loved each other and our final text message being a reciprocated kiss. It was only a few weeks later that I found out he was living with somebody else.

The pain of this was almost more than I could bear. Suffocating. It was as if our roles were swapped and he held the plastic bag over my head.

It has been a year of trauma. I am still traumatised and in a state of shock. My tummy still hurts. Every single morning I wake I still can't believe that he won't be there next to me. I just can't comprehend that the man who devoted himself so commitedly could leave me without any discussion, explanation or care for my feelings. It was as if I had never even existed.

For the past 6 months I have waited, hanging on our last messages of love to each other, for him to return. I will get criticised, I'm sure, by my followers for not being a strong, dominant woman and for allowing him to do this to me when I should have just got rid a long time ago, but true love does something to alter that. I couldn't just give up on the love of my life. This was how I saw him - the Love of my Life.

He gave me the dream that I only tentatively believed I might experience in my lifetime. I couldn't just give up on 9 years of investment, of the future we'd planned and talked about for so long, of the intense connection I had with him, and I thought he had with me. On his family which I called mine and of our vanilla life, again I became part of his world because I chose to, because I loved it, and it suited me so well.

So every single day I waited for a text, a phone call, a visit. And every day I became more and more disheartened and disappointed. Time wasn't healing. Time was taking me deeper and deeper into a state of sadness because I really did think he would one day come back to me, and I would have accepted him, and made us recover.

I still can't believe it. I can't believe he gave up on us, that he chose someone else over me. We had it all. Our vanilla life and our behind the scenes life could have been the absolute best, but it wasn't to be, for a reason I will never understand. We lost the dream.

So, as I wept for the death of our Queen, I also grieved the death of my love. To carry on living with hope was too painful, and the downward spiral was heading to a place which was not going to end well. I was struggling with depression more and more, and it got worse with each day.

My only option is to attempt to move on. This is what I have to do to save me. 

He asked me once, in our very beginning days, never to leave him. I made a commitment that I wouldn't. When I had him tattooed, I again committed to stay with him for life. It was my 'marriage' vow. I have done my best to honour that for over 180 long and difficult days, but I cannot stay with him when he is no longer here.

When I first began my search for what I thought was the impossible, a life long chastity based relationship, I called myself KH_inmydreams. It was just a dream. I'm in that same place again. Back at the beginning of what might be a very long search for the man of my dreams. 

I have tried looking on vanilla dating sites. A fetish relationship felt a sickening and pointless aim. I just couldn't bring myself to be open to such tragic failure again. But vanilla men just do not appeal to me. It is like asking me to date a woman. There is nothing there at all for me. No feeling, nothing. So I am Mistress Keyholder, looking for her dream man. 

I am as I have always been - demanding, exacting, obsessive and intensely loyal and loving. Whoever gets me will get, as Daddy called me, the woman of their dreams.

To be crushed and abandoned has been the worst experience of my life. I do not say that lightly. This really has been the most emotionally difficult thing that has ever happened to me, inflicted by the man I loved and trusted the most.

I have learnt a number of things from the past decade, one being - expect the unexpected. 

I spoke to a submissive man recently. He gave me hope that there are others out there. Genuine men who want to be dominated and live in a relationship of female control.

I seek my new love. I am open to my new submissive coming into my life. I look forward to a new and loving relationship where I am truly valued, respected and loved for the supreme being that I am.

Darling new boy, please don't take long to find me. I AM WAITING FOR YOU.

A Horrible Cycle

After boy left me in October last year, he came back. I wasn't ever going to give up hope that one day he would. I was prepared to wait for the rest of forever for him.

But, I think most break-ups go through the same process. Break-up, try again, finish. Sometimes there may be another try again... 

I had 14 weeks with boy back in my life, and it felt SO nice. So very, very nice. He put so much effort into us and I felt so loved and special. It was perfect. We went out to events and did all the things we had always talked about. We were living the dream.

But eventually, the things he had done to me previously, which we hadn't really discussed, began to eat me up. The jealousy and anger and feelings of betrayal grew in me, until one day, I blew them all out. Boy had similar feelings of anger at the things I had done to him. At the end of the evening, we were separate again.

It has been just over a month since he went.

I have tried to get him back. 

I have been in an unbearable place, but boy has given up on us. I don't believe he has any more to give me. 

Trying to live with needing him is too hard. I have come to reliase the only way I can try and get through this is to try and block thoughts of him, forget, and to recognise that he doesn't want me any more.

I have removed things from my sight, my memories which I held so dear. I try so hard to avoid seeing him becasue we live so close, but by the strangest quirks of fate, most times I leave my house I see him. I have no idea why, how.. and it hurts me so much to see that he still exists and is apart from me. My boy, that was.

I have to admit, that this break up, this time, was my fault entirely. It really was. But last time, it was his fault entirely. 

I find it hard to comprehend why two people so well matched just couldn't sychronise and make a relationship work. We had everything going for us, but between us, we destroyed it all.

I can't do anything now. I can't keep trying. There is no point. He tried, I tried. Why couldn't we both try in harmony?

I am just me. On my own. I have lost my spark. I have lost what makes me glow. I have lost my love.

Today it would have been a special day for us. It is one year until we had planned to retire together and live all the things we had planned for the past 7 years.

Now I look into my future and it is empty. 

Reflecting, and Learning.

Talking to friends recently has made me think about my relationship with boy.

I've been made aware of things about him which I didn't appreciate or notice, qualities in him which I saw past and took for granted...

He never looked at other women when we were together. His eye never wandered and I never felt threatened by his lack of interest in me. I noticed this from our very first meeting, and it never changed. His eye was always on me.

This, and lots of other things were special about him.

One friend told me, "you can't get him back now, he's gone and you can't do anything about it, but you can learn from it and make your next relationship better as a result." I thought these were wise words and that I would act on them.

My friend said, even though I rated my relationship 9 out of 10, boy clearly didn't or he wouldn't have gone. So what was it that was going wrong that I could have done better?

I pondered on this and it was a really significant question. I had thought that I hadn't done anything wrong, but actually I had. There were many things, and this was an upsetting process to go through - admitting fault.

I don't think correcting any of these faults would have stopped the break up, but they will help me be a better Mistress to my next boy, and so I did this process to improve myself. It doesn't take away from the fact that boy also did things wrong - we both did, but I can only be accountable for myself.

I said to my friend, he should have told me he was unhappy - my friend said, no, you should have sensed he was unhappy. I need to be more attuned and responsive to the needs and feelings of my new boy.

I didn't keep a tidy house at all. It wasn't a pleasant place to be. While we could have done something about this together, I could have been more instrumental in initiating change. I have taken heed of this and have started a house overhaul. Bags have been going in the bin and to the charity shop and I will create a haven for my next boy to come home to. Together we will keep it tidy.

Boy was actually a good boy. I never made him feel this way. I always found fault and picked at the smallest inadequacy. It made him feel misterable instead of celebrated. I did often tell him he looked nice though. 

There are other things, but these are some of the main ones. 

This refection makes it sound like I was all to blame, and a bad person. I don't feel that way at all. I equally did a lot of nice things, but I could have been nicer. 

This is how I can develop as a person.
I also want to develop my fetish play. I want to become more skilled in hypnosis and medical play, and I now have contacts and friendships where I can perhaps learn to perfect and develop these skills. 

I want to be the Mistress to die for. 

This is the path I carve for myself. 

I am and always will be, the ever evolving, Mistress Keyholder.

So, I Start Again

I have no alternative other than to start again. 

Painful as it is to see a daunting void around me and ahead of me, I have to start again. All other doors have been closed to me, and my only way to walk is forward.

It took 7 years for boy to find me. It may be another long 7 years before my final partner for life finds me, but it might happen tomorrow. From day to day we don't know what life will bring. Only one hour before boy left me we had happily been watching a film together. One hour later, BANG! My world is completely changed.

I feel grateful that I know what I need in a partner. I also know that I DO need a partner. I know there has to be a fetish element as a minimum. I would just be kidding myself and wasting time on a 'short term fix' if I were to enter into a vanilla relationship. It would be easy to do it, to relieve the agony of the void, but would only serve to waste my time in finding my true love.

So my search has begun in earnest. I am going to attend every event I can, to make myself known to boys who are seeking their perfect Goddess, and in this process I am making new friends, finding out about new venues and developing my fetish knowledge. I'm building a photographic portfolio of Mistress KeyHolder also. It is a vibrant new chapter for me which I am certain will open new doors. 

I AM Mistres KeyHolder! I am her! This is really quite WOW! 

Someone said this of me;

"You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. You can find yourself gratification in any place you want. You can make boys walk on all fours behind you, just because of your beauty, and can make their hearts melt with a single wink!"

I am also intensely loyal and loving and knowledgeable in my field. I am a rare find. I do know this. So I will seek a boy who can return what I give.

I already have a persona which I have invested over 15 years in. I am very proud of who I am and what I stand for. I am proud of the way I can command a room when I walk in. I am proud to be part of a community of the most friendly, lovely people with whom to mix and develop myself and my new boy when he comes to me. I believe I have skills, but I know I can learn so much more by collaborating with the people who I've already met and will meet in the future.

I don't know how long it will take, but I do know that one day in the future, I will show a photo of my hand over my new boy's hand. That will be how I start a post to tell you I have somone new.

I am excited for that day.

Mistress Keyholder is your dream woman, and I will choose carefully the boy who gets her. If your hand appears under mine in a photo on my blog, you are going to be one VERY lucky boy!