So, I Start Again

I have no alternative other than to start again. 

Painful as it is to see a daunting void around me and ahead of me, I have to start again. All other doors have been closed to me, and my only way to walk is forward.

It took 7 years for boy to find me. It may be another long 7 years before my final partner for life finds me, but it might happen tomorrow. From day to day we don't know what life will bring. Only one hour before boy left me we had happily been watching a film together. One hour later, BANG! My world is completely changed.

I feel grateful that I know what I need in a partner. I also know that I DO need a partner. I know there has to be a fetish element as a minimum. I would just be kidding myself and wasting time on a 'short term fix' if I were to enter into a vanilla relationship. It would be easy to do it, to relieve the agony of the void, but would only serve to waste my time in finding my true love.

So my search has begun in earnest. I am going to attend every event I can, to make myself known to boys who are seeking their perfect Goddess, and in this process I am making new friends, finding out about new venues and developing my fetish knowledge. I'm building a photographic portfolio of Mistress KeyHolder also. It is a vibrant new chapter for me which I am certain will open new doors. 

I AM Mistres KeyHolder! I am her! This is really quite WOW! 

Someone said this of me;

"You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. You can find yourself gratification in any place you want. You can make boys walk on all fours behind you, just because of your beauty, and can make their hearts melt with a single wink!"

I am also intensely loyal and loving and knowledgeable in my field. I am a rare find. I do know this. So I will seek a boy who can return what I give.

I already have a persona which I have invested over 15 years in. I am very proud of who I am and what I stand for. I am proud of the way I can command a room when I walk in. I am proud to be part of a community of the most friendly, lovely people with whom to mix and develop myself and my new boy when he comes to me. I believe I have skills, but I know I can learn so much more by collaborating with the people who I've already met and will meet in the future.

I don't know how long it will take, but I do know that one day in the future, I will show a photo of my hand over my new boy's hand. That will be how I start a post to tell you I have somone new.

I am excited for that day.

Mistress Keyholder is your dream woman, and I will choose carefully the boy who gets her. If your hand appears under mine in a photo on my blog, you are going to be one VERY lucky boy!

This Doesn't Make Any Sense...

I always knew, from the day he moved into his house across the road from me, that our relationship wouldn't last until we died. I don't know how I knew, but I did.

I always knew this day would come, when we were separated.

But now it's here, I can't believe it either. We argued so much, fell out and always made up again. We always made up again. I would ask if he really wanted us to end, and he'd say, 'you know I don't".

I have thought and thought if I could have done anything different to try and make us successful. But I tried so hard I genuinely can't think of anything else I could have done. 

The fact is, he didn't want to keep trying, and no matter how much I loved him, or kept hopeful for us both, or continued to try, it couldn't make up for him not wanting me. I will never understand this, but sadly, it was true. Only 4 weeks after we ended, he was with someone new. That doesn't happen if he had loved me. I believe from his behaviours that he was working on this before he left, and how he could so coldly deny contact with me after leaving.

He changed. Regular readers here will remember when he found me, how good it was and how he loved me, was proud of me, and wanted to tell the world he was with me. He wanted me to tattoo his whole body with my art, he wanted to write on my blog, and he did the shed video for me, showing his devotion. 

He asked me to mould him, control him, and give him renewed purpose in life, and initially, this was what happened. It was fantastic, and I was so very happy. I would say to him, "Why didn't you find me sooner", and he apologised. He said that each day he wanted to make me happy, and for many months, maybe years, he would ask me each morning, "How can I please you today, Mistress?".

But he changed. He gave me everything, and then gradually took it away.

Our current life was not how we wanted it. Our living situation and holidays apart were not ideal, but we planned retirement in 18 months time. All our relationship we had talked about retirement, planned for it and looked forward to it. We had the perfect life ahead of us.

I don't understand how two people who are so right for each other just couldn't make a relationship work.

Recently, he said to me, "the essential me and the essential you are just not right for each other". If he believed that, then we were destined to fail. 

Sexually, we were so perfect for each other. Right up until the end of our relationship that part of us was vibrant and still evolving new and interesting elements. We had begun to explore my hypnosis of him, the use of audio during play, and had plans to develop videos. 

I just don't understand it.

Read back to here;

When boy loved me..

How, how could such love disappear? He begged me never to leave him - he even wrote it on my blog.. I really, really don't undertsand.

To me, we had something so good it seems ridiculous to throw it away. 

It feels like forever since I was with him. It seems like our relationship was just an amazing dream from which I'm now woken.

But then it also seems so fresh and real. I can imagine as if it were real, my lips on his belly and cocklet and his kiss. 7 years, and so much history between us, I was so proud of what I had, so grateful, and felt so lucky. I really did feel lucky. 

The hard part is that I have had no explanation. Boy just went, and there has been no discussion, no talk, just closed doors, unanswered attempts by me to contact him, blank. He never discussed with me that he wasn't happy and what we could do to make things better, although he did threaten to leave me, which put me in a neervous position for months.

I have been tormenting myself with looking at photos, at reminiscing about sexual things we have done. It hurts, and all I want is to have it back. Not the way we were, but the way we WERE. For him to put me back where I belong, and to worship me. For him to come downstairs naked and kiss my feet under the table where I worked. I so loved him doing that.

In April this year, we were making videos and we were in a very good place. He said to me, if we are still this good at Christmas, I might consider another tattoo... If I could have a wish... I would wish us back to that place.
I know that the things I am doing now, boy would absolutely LOVE. The new venues and equipment. I have been blown away with it all! I even had a ticket to take him with me to an event, as a surprise. But he chose to give all this up, for something, I have no idea what - I have no idea how life gets any better than what we had.

Inside, my inner soul remains, Mistress Keyholder.

The End of my Dream...

My relationship with my boy ended at 9pm October 8th, 2019, after 6 years, 9 months and 8 days.

It is the saddest thing imaginable, and I grieve the loss of what what we had daily. There is a huge gap in my life.

Seeing a way forward is incredibly difficult, impossible right now. I compare everyone to him and no-ne comes even close.

I have tried to imagine a vanilla relationship, as that may be all I can hope to find, but the very thought is so sickening to me. I know after a very short time I would become depressed, yearning again for the chastity dream, as I did many years before meeting boy.

I dream and pray that there may be a small splinter of hope for boy and I, to one day try again.

A life without him is a life only half lived.

I am, and always will be, Mistress KeyHolder.

The Rule of Mistress KeyHolder

What I am about to write here is common sense - I am stating the obvious. However, it is only common sense and obvious to me.

The list isn't exhaustive, but just examples of how my slave should expect to live in my female led relationship. It's not fantasy. It is fact of life. 

Perhaps I should write a book - The Rule of Mistress KeyHolder..

Money
All money earned by slave goes into MKH's account. There is no 'allowance'. Why would a slave want an allowance? What does he need money for? Mistress buys his clothes, food, and covers household bills. There is nothing more he needs. 

Food
It eats a vegetarian diet in line with Mistress's liking, and cleans up immediately after eating. It has no choice over what food is bought and only eats what is available in the house.

Work
It is allowed out of the house to work, and returns home straight from work.

Communications
It is allowed to speak to others in the course of the day for work purposes. It is not allowed to speak to other females for any other reason than is functional. It communicates on a very regular basis with MKH, telling her his whereabouts, thoughts, everything.

Devices/Computers
Mistress has free and accessible use of all devices and slave offers devices at Mistress's whim for inspection.

Privacy
It has none.

Free Time
Free time is spent in the service of Mistress. It is only allowed to do things for it's own personal interest with permission. Permission is not to be expected. It's every moment is to be spent with Mistress. It should want this, if not, it is not a sufficiently devoted slave. Nothing comes before or above Mistress, except children. I always allow children to come before myself.

Pornography
Is not allowed, only unless forced or instructed by MKH.

Body
It's body is kept hairless and shaven at all times. It's body is at the disposal of MKH for piercing, tattooing and any other function MKH sees fit.

General
It lives for Mistress. It says good morning and good night to Mistress as it's first and last waking thought each day, to show it's devotion.
It wouldn't seek to do anything to harm, upset, or displease her in any way whatsoever, and if it inadvertently did, it would do everything in it's power to put right the wrong. 

MKH is always right. What she says is her law.

- - - - - - - - - - - 

Sadly, I have none of this now in my relationship. It is chastity based still, and boy is in continual chastity for me. He still calls me Mistress, but there is nothing left of the control, D/s or any other element of female supremacy that I so desire.
Chastity is all I have left, so I have reverted to the comfort of dreaming of what should be. 
In my head, it is all still there. 
In my head I am Goddess, Queen, above all men. 

I remain, Mistress KeyHolder.

A New Approach

The start of 2018 saw my relationship with my boy hit the lowest low. It culminated in my boy taking back his keys.

Despite both of us doing our best to try and save our relationship, we were doing things which weren't working. We were both so angry and resentful of each other, we couldn't find a way forward. Our lives had become miserable, with continual arguments, conflict and hate. I was incredibly unhappy.

However, despite the unhappiness I felt within our relationship, sat with the keys, I felt even worse. I knew that without my boy, I would be more miserable. I also knew that there had been a time when we had been happy, in the beginning.

After 3 hours with the keys, it was my bedtime. If I went through the night without the keys, I would never take them back, so I asked boy to bring them back for me. He did. He would not have brought them back without my asking. We would have ended that night.

I knew I wanted to keep my boy, and so I began to ponder a different approach to making us better.

We made written commitments to each other on the fundamental issues which upset each of us the most, and we started counting; 1 day - without conflict, to build up something positive. One day really was an achievement!

I had always thought that talking things through was the way to resolve issues, that communication was the answer, but for us, this very rarely worked. I knew that we were treating each other nastily, saying and doing things we never would have done when we were new. I talked to boy about this and made;

Mantra 1 - treat us as if we were new. 
We both practice this daily.

I have to take responsibility for making our relationship last, and to do this, I have to make some changes. That doesn't mean I have been wrong.

I have to accept, my boy does not have a submissive personality. We both often believe we are right in certain situations and we will argue our corner to the death of our relationship. So now, one of my techniques is just not to respond. I find it incredibly hard. But I have in my mind, argue to the death, or just leave it, and that makes it easier. It makes me sound like I am having to be submissive, and in some cases it does feel that way. I should always be right, my boy should accept that I am always right, and he should be the one who backs down. But right now, I am taking responsibility for saving us, and I am taking the lead. 

Mantra 2 - I am above you in every way.

I am teaching boy this new mantra. It is going to be a long, slow process, but I am going to aim to work on infiltrating him with this thought and belief. When I am unresponsive when we could potentially conflict, I know, I am above him as I can see the longer term picture, and this is the reason for my silence.

Mantra 3 - Help me be a better boy, Mistress.

Our relationship is not one which is going to happen naturally, where we are just happy and content. I have to accept that I will always have to work and put effort in to making us be at peace, to maintaining my dominance and his submission. 

This isn't what I expected for us, 5 years down the line, but I have cocklet, locked, and I have been able to be Mistress KeyHolder. 

I won't let go of this easily. We are on day 20 of a new approach. I hope it lasts a lifetime.

A Little Tease...

I am planning to start a clips for sale site, and thought I'd start with a little taster of things to come.

Enjoy this one for free by clicking the text (not the pic).                                                      

Mistress KeyHolder - Teases...

Reminders of his 's' position, in the D/s of us

My boy is an assertive, self-assured man in his daily life and holds a professional   role in his work. He is used to challenging, holding others to account, and taking the lead. This is his natural way, his personality fits well with this. 

He is also, now we are established as a couple, like this with me. I of course, challenge back, and we have clashes and disputes far too often. 

He needs taking down, not just a step, but an entire staircase.

I have devised some ways to remind him of his lowly position beneath me.

He has only had contact with my wearing his black, rubber, eyeless hood. The purpose of this is to remind him he is not worthy of viewing my beauty.

I have taken control of all his passwords again, after relinquishing them - the purpose of this is to show that all his actions are accountable to me.

Cocklet is not allowed entry into Mistress - this place is sacred for the next year, as a minimum standard - the purpose of this is to remind him he is less, and denied.

I am going to come up with 30 slave mantras. He is to recite each one on a daily basis, when he has a moment, through his day, and on waking and going to sleep he will text his daily mantra to me. The purpose of this is to remind him and keep him conscious of his slave position, and his place in our relationship.

I am D... he is s

This is our law.