Dining with Goddess

The meal went well. He behaved and we had a lovely time.

On returning home though, it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad...we just had some minor difficulties..

I am awake, at 3am, thinking...

But my overriding feeling relates to the photo on my previous post. 

I'll show you again...

My god,... don't you just think this gimp is gorgeous?

his facelessness; the way he touched my feet; the way he was ready there waiting when I told him to be; the way he followed my lead on all fours; his body - I love his body, it's paleness, thinness, hairlessness (although I do need to remind him to maintain this to perfection); the smoothness of the rubber covering his head..
No matter how we struggle sometimes, this is what counts. 

This faceless gimp is all mine. He belongs to me. 

And best of all is the bit you don't see. The metal device is resting between his legs. 

It is real and is what I obsess about still now.

x

D/s

As I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to spend most of my time with my boy in the formal setting of the D/s relationship. The purpose of this being to reset our positions and to minimise conflict, in the short term at least, until we build our bond again.

So, this evening, I text him and told him to be ready for me in ten minutes time, naked except for his hood and collar.

When I climb the stairs and open the door to his room, it takes my breath away every time to see my gimp knelt there waiting dutifully for me.

Today I allowed him to massage my feet with scented oil. I luxuriated in his firm touch and felt happy in my place as worshipped Goddess.

I did reward him. I massaged his swollen, deep red (almost purple) balls with the oil and penetrated him with my fingers. Cocklet isn't coming out for at least 21 days. He has to serve me with 21 days of good behaviour. We are not aiming for very good or excellent yet. I feel we are far from that.

But this is good. I have found a way at last to bring us back together and fix the rifts had had started developing between us.

Tomorrow, I may allow him to take me out of tea. He will need to be very careful of his actions and verbalisations to me. Of his eye contact and manner with other people we come into contact with. I expect him to be on his best behaviour if he is to dine with a Goddess.

Long Term D/s Relationship - Repairs/Maintainance.

I have just got back from a week away. It has been a very valuable time of contemplation for me. I realised that my relationship with my boy wasn't just going through difficult times, but that it was actually making me unhappy, most of the time. The reason for this was that Mistress Keyholder was lost - but being lost was quite a complex issue...

This was partly due to lack of time and other commitments coming in the way, but it was also due to another factor. Something else was at play that, while living it, I couldn't quite put my finger on how to resolve it. I knew there was a problem and tried my very best to address it, but none of my efforts were working.

I haven't felt up to sharing this with you, even though I know it is important to share the difficulties of a D/s lifestyle as well as sharing the good bits. It helps with understanding the full picture and the complexities of such a lifestyle. But when it wasn't working well and I really felt like I/us were failing, it was very hard to document it, especially as it was more than probable that such writings would have a negative impact on us.

Living, as we do, very closely and with children in our lives, it isn't easy to remain the D/s couple at all times. Also, after being together over 3 years now, the newness and honeymoon excitement have been and gone and we are left with a more mundane life of working and living with bits of kink thrown in when time allows. Saying this though, Mistress KeyHolder is in my blood. She expects high standards and is demanding and pedantic (my boy criticises me for being such, but doesn't realise that I don't take this as a criticism - I take this as a very true description of my personality that I don't wish to change, and quite the opposite, find it a good Mistress quality and is what makes me me).

So, with such high standards and pernicketyness still present, even when our D/s dynamic is repressed for some reason, I find fault very easily. If my boy isn't behaving as I expect, I become cross, disappointed and sometimes so unforgiving that I find myself distanced and unable to communicate. 

I have tried talking problems through with my boy, but he finds such criticism difficult to deal with and either blames me or gets angry. This anger in turn alienates me and we end up like any other bickering, vanilla couple. I really was quite unhappy.

I knew the answer was to be me. To be Queen and Goddess and to expect only the best. But my boy had also fallen from his place of submission and didn't want to give me this. I tried setting rules, making him read them regularly; removing myself from him - hoping he would pine for me; talking things through..ultimately, nothing worked and things got worse and worse.

While I was on holiday, I thought still harder on solutions. Finding someone to share my fetish with has not been easy and has taken years. I really don't want to throw away what I have found, even when it gets incredibly difficult and all hope seems lost, however, I DO have standards. My standards had become so disrespected that I felt abused; fragile in keeping things held together and in many ways, I felt I was the one being dominated. The relationship was not one I wanted to be in.

I have one last card left to play - one last idea to pull our relationship back to where it once was. A place where I felt like I was the luckiest, happiest woman in the whole world.

I am bringing back Mistress Keyholder and taking away the vanilla me, short term, but to put us back in a place where we are both happier.
He is seeing me only as Mistress. I am giving him only Mistress. He is presenting himself only as slave, as gimp, as my worshipper. He is no longer permitted to kiss my lips, to touch me without permission or to see me in vanilla    circumstances. I am also changing his chastity conditions. Instead of being completely denied, I am now giving him monthly milking/ruined orgasms in-between complete lock down. I touch him only with rubbered hands. 

I am hoping that this will take us back to a place where he sees me for who I am, and who he is, and that when this is achieved, I can get back all the respects and submissions I need, demand and deserve.

If I can't be worshipped, adored and submitted to completely and wholley then he does not deserve to be at the feet of a Goddess. 

Finding me..

I was thinking today, that I have lost Mistress Keyholder a bit. I have definitely not stopped being her - it is who I am, how I was made, and can't be diminished or taken away, even if I wished to. But circumstances, daily life and pressures of living have distracted me from my obsession and have taken me somewhere where I don't really care to be.

So, I decided to focus a little more time on me. On re-establishing Mistress Keyholder in my mind and on my blog - some investment in myself.

I began with a search on the internet - "Chastity for men". Chastity. A word I typed into search engines in the earlier days of the internet, over and over and over, reading every single scrap of information I could find, and in those days there was very little, mainly on Catholic or other religious reasons for chastity.

The first link I clicked on was this; (A gay man's experience of 3 days being locked, but interesting nonetheless).

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-moylan/three-days-of-torture_b_2295045.html

The second link I clicked on; (Oh my.. just looking at all these devices.. mmmmmmmmmmm - big time!)

http://www.chastitytrophy.com/en/index.asp

and finally;

http://behindbarz.co.uk.

It was like RED HOT porn to me. Reading about and looking at chastity does something to me that sex simply does not. It doesn't even come close. These few minutes of time taken out for my self indulgence reminded me of my utter obsession with chastity; that this is not something I contrive - it is the core of who I am; of how incredibly sexy chastity control is and how it physically drives my passion.

Welcome back Mistress Keyholder.

Ups and Downs

It has been a long time since I have updated this blog. I have been uninspired.

My boy and I have had some difficult times interspersed with some great times, but the overriding feel has been one of struggle.

The problem isn't our chastity. That is what holds us together when we are on the verge of relationship breakdown. Our difficulties arise from our vanilla relationship. We are so quarrelsome. 
Also, the crossover between kink and normal lives is difficult and puts a strain us regularly. Because we spend so much vanilla time together; with our families, children, and just together as a couple, it is hard maintaining the Domme/sub dynamic. My boy may make a slip up which I find insulting or just inappropriate, and I react negatively to it. Not in a Mistressy kind of way always, but in an unforgiving, "you should know better, and I expect better", way. That just makes the vanilla him angry with me and we begin a downward spiral which is very hard to get out of - being angry, blaming, sulking and getting more angry. Even with two committed, likeminded people, we have found keeping our relationship going almost impossible at times.

Today though, we have made some progress. I had been dwelling on our relationship troubles in the night. I began with the thoughts that I could no longer continue with my boy and would return his keys, then imagining the grief I would suffer, to imagining longer term life without my boy, finding this too painful to bear - far more painful than the conflict we were going through, to working through thoughts of forgiveness and trying to see a way forward.

We have spent the day together today working through things. Not dwelling on past wrongdoings, and not blaming. We managed to reach an intimate place of domination and submission with my squatting slightly over his mouth and gifting him with Mistress drink. It took us back to the place where we need to be. The place we both give each other but which can be lost so easily in daily life.

We are now on our way up from a very low down.

I love my boy. No-one else could fulfil me in quite the same way that he does. Please hope for us that he never does anything to jeopardise his Mistress.

Orgasm - Release.

I am writing this at 5am. I suffer with insomnia, but I am being kept awake by a realisation that I can't stop from mulling over and over in my mind. I am hoping that I can sleep after I have written it down.

I have, for some time, told my boy that I would treat him to an orgasm for Christmas. I chose 17th December and bought him a little boy's advent calendar so he could count down the days.

Usually, I dread orgasms for him so much so they very rarely happen. But I was not dreading this one. 

It was 7 months since his last and was done in such a way that even I had been looking forward to it. My boy spread open wide for me, on his spreader bars, locked in place, and with slow, slow rhythmic strokes.

One of the reasons I hate orgasms is because of their effect. My boy tells me that they don't alter him, but we have both noticed that they do. He tries very hard for them not to alter him, but it is their nature to, beyond his control.

I had had the most desperately pathetic chastity slave. Adorable in every way.

He had his orgasm. He was released from being that most desperately pathetic chastity slave.

I created a Man.

A week later I had the freedom of a little time. I had wanted him to take me for hot chocolate, but he persuaded me otherwise and we spent the time doing something we hardly ever do. We had sexual time together. Man and woman. I say man because he could perform as a man. He didn't get to orgasm of course.

Within minutes after, he passed a comment that offended me. We argued only slightly about it but it did spoil the mood of the time spent together. it was a comment that a desperate chastity boy would not have made.
Within 48 hours we had had a huge fall out which resulted in my refusing to speak with my boy for days. He said, in particular, one word - likening me to something. He spoke to me in the manner of a Man. The Man I had made. He spoke to me in a way I refuse to tolerate. 

I want to represent the situation honestly and fairly, and am not writing this to shame my boy or lay blame. In his defence, he would say he has not changed at all. That I spoke equally badly to him and that I deserved all he said to me.

I know, however, that my pathetic, desperate boy, with his little boy's advent calendar, would not have spoken like that to me. 

He would say is orgasm, and his opportunity to be a Man had not changed him.

I, however, am Mistress KeyHolder. 

And I know otherwise.

He thought 7 months was a long time.

Right now, I never want him to have another orgasm again.

---------------------

As a footnote, I will remind myself that I seem to have made a similar observation/post to this on another orgasm occasion. When I find the post about it I will make a link to it [here].

Intense Teasing..

This has got to have been one of my most favourite times with my boy.

Simple, but so very, very intense.

I loved every second of it and felt completely involved and absorbed in what I was doing. I could have gone on for a very long time. This video shows in essence my obsession. It demonstrates it to you.

I want to share it with you.
I want to show you how desperate my boy is.
I want you all to see how sensitive his cocklet it..how it jumps and twitches and so very clearly needs more than what I give.

I'm sorry you don't get to see how the session unfolds...


http://www.4shared.com/video/BmOOe0rPce/00216000.html